Just A Letter

February 3, 2012

Dear Bybyq,

Hi girl! I heard you screwed everything there. I knew you would, and I am so glad you did. It just proved me that I was never wrong. Probably I will never wrong in the future, but let’s see.

So how’s life? Okay, I knew you screwed, but apart from your fucked up crazy little flings, I think you’re doing quite well, weren’t you? I mean, you still had this okay grades from your so-so essays. You can still cook some craps, and smoke although you’re basically running out of cigarettes. See, if anyone would send you cigarettes, but I am not sure about that because nobody cares if you can smoke or not.

See? It wasn’t that bad.

And that nice guy you met earlier this week. Screw him. He might just too good for you. You know… steady realistic relationship, just not for you. Yeah, that’s why that nice guy you met from TW left you. That’s also why the nice guy that you liked chose another girl. But anyway… You’re not up to romance whatsoever, are you? No, I don’t think so. I know you better than anyone else. Let’s say, I am your gollum and you’re my smeagol. Not a pretty analogy, but you know…

So now you’re going to the shrink again? Can’t handle it, can you? You can try… but you know you can’t get rid of this feeling only by talking. I know you chose to continue this session because the counselor is cute, didn’t you? You’re rubbish, and predictable. You’re not that cool, you know?

Tell you what? It doesn’t take a genius to say that your fake narcissism was your mask to conceal your incompatibility with the world. Seriously, you should just take that mask down, and you’d just a below average girl. You only have yourself.

You want me to stop?

Remember the letter I gave you few weeks ago? See how you screw yourself with those young lads? Yes, you deserved that. You deserved to be screwed by those people who doesn’t really like who you are. They were just playing, and you knew it, you pathetic being.

Anyway. I should stop.

Before you decided to jump from your flat window, thinking that you might just die like a coward, although probably somewhere in my head, I know that you might be better not living this life anymore. It’s too good for you, you know?

Hey Bybyq. See you next time when you screw again.

Oh! Alright!

January 26, 2012

Why? He asked me.

I really didn’t know how to answer that, to be honest. When I asked him about my situation, I never thought that it would just came back to me. Should I start from the beginning? Yes of course.

One of my New Year Resolution is to be less bitchy. Less sarcasm. Less snappy answers. Less mean comments. To be short, less bitchy. However the bitchiness is something that you can measure. How do you know you have been less bitchy than before? The only way is how to control this urging feeling of snapping or shooting opinions when talking to others, and that’s not easy. And I asked one of my new friends, who is a counselor. How to control myself from doing this stuff?

Why? He asked me.

The simple question expanded to a self investigation. Why do I bitch? Why do I want to stop bitching? What snaps me? Whom I bitch to? Why do you choose these people?

I don’t know.

I thought I am a kind of person who understand what I want and what I don’t want, and would do things only when I know the reason why I do that. But about this bitchiness… I really doesn’t have a clue. So I started to dig deeper to myself.

I always do that to my friends, to people who close to me, that’s what I know for sure. I always think that I don’t need to state any comment to people I don’t know, but I always have the concern to tell the truth to friends. Yes, exactly. The way I said it was the one that considered as bitchy.

And my counselor friend asked me. Why do you do that to people who cares about you? You want to push them away?

I never thought I want to push people away from me. I never thought that I have this kind of habit. But when I looked back to where I was, I definitely pushed so many people away. I never tried to reach out after some times, and usually hold back when they’re getting close. The question from this friend made me realise that there is a pattern.

Anyway… Since it’s now become a habit, I don’t really know how to keep people around me. And that sucks lol. Especially if I do really want them to be around. Geez.

I need to drink something.

Don’t Be An Idiot, Woman!

January 23, 2012

This is insane.

Thinking about this person is insane enough, and writing about it in my blog… is like double insanity. What were you thinking, Byq? Should I revive this old topic of Byq What Were You Thinking? I thought it would only happen when I was young and stupid… not when I am old… and still stupid apparently.

So let’s blame this game Tribalwars.

I blame it for taking over my time. Taking over my academic life. Taking over my social life. Introducing me to many great people. Making some friends for me. And… Bringing this particular person into my life.

Which is absurd.

Now, sit down and listen to me, Byq! Listen to me very carefully, because I only tell you these once, and once only. If you did something stupid because you don’t listen to me, you’d be dead, Byq. I am going to tell you why this is absurd.

1. This is absurd because you don’t want a long distance relationship

2. This is absurd because HE IS FUCKIN SEVEN YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU

3. This is absurd because YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW IF HE’S INTO A RELATIONSHIP

4. WHAT THE FUK with this non relationship priority in your life?

You’re screwing with your life, Byq. Now use your head and listen to me. This is not gonna work. You can go there and have fun, but this is not gonna work and it would end really bad. Now I am telling you this, and let’s see what you’re gonna post in 3 months from now.

I warned you.

And I mean it.

Don’t play with the fire, Byq!

I Feel Like Shit

January 3, 2012

I feel like shit today. My mood was getting worse and worse since the New Year Eve celebration in Denise’s flat. After that day everything just seem wrong. I thought it was because of the PMS, but I got my period already earlier today, so it should stop. The gloomy unhappy feeling should have been gone. It’s not.

I feel like I really need to go back and see my shrink. Or at least, if I can find someone who I can talk to here, about this kind of situation. Someone professional, of course. It won’t make so much difference if I talk to someone like Denise or my ex who would think that this is because of the weather or the Kitchen Situation I had since last night.

They were only the trigger.

I recognize this unhappiness. I recognize the symptoms. I know exactly what this feeling does to me, to my brain, to my emotional stability. And because I recognize it, I know I don’t want to fall to the same situation I’ve been few months ago. I know I can be a happy person, I want to be a happy person.

See? I can’t even write anything positive today.

I guess, this is because I handled too many dramas at once, and apparently I am not yet ready for too many negativities at once.

Anyway. I am not in the mood to write. I just want to keep myself sane until everything goes back to normal.

The World Isn’t Fair, Deal With It

January 2, 2012

I totally get it now. Why Mr. Atheist hates virgins.

It’s not the virginity that scares people away, it’s the virgin head they have. The virgin brain with virgin attitude they possess…

The way they think the world is perfect, and even though it’s imperfect you can always turn it around into perfection. The impossible demand of the fairness; where good people get good stuffs and the bad ones got punished… The plain naive expectation which completely contradict the reality.

In the end. It stresses them out. It makes them angry with the world. Makes them feel cheated… which is funny because in the beginning the world never promise them anything. These virgin heads are full of assumptions.

It annoys me as well.

“I can’t believe it happens to me. I am so angry things just don’t change and get better,” they said to me…

In my head, of course – because they have told me for the million times how bitchy I could be – I replied (yeah with bitchiness), “I can’t believe that after more than a quarter of century you haven’t learned anything…”

The world is not fair. It never promised you the fairness. It never said that if you do good, you’ll get good thing in return. It’s what the stupid books told you so you are motivated to do good things, which for me is quite logical if you do good because… it’s good to be done. And, if you do good things just because you want something in return, it’s no more than bull crap.

The world is not fair. Shit happens. The virgin idealism these girls have in mind just sounds silly. And, I can’t say it out loud because one of them have protested to me before that the way I told them things makes them feel like I was looking down at them. They probably right… Probably not. But, yeah… I might not put any respects on this kind of attitude.

I heard these girls complained about how life being so unfair to them. How they tried so hard and nothing came as the result of their hard work. And if I asked them whether their method was effective or not, they would say either “I don’t care anymore, I gave up” or “yeah… but”.

Now, I can totally understand why Mr Atheist said that these girls are scary. They’re scarily unrealistic. They can say they’re logical, realistic, and open minded. They can say whatever they want to say according to what they believed in their head, but… They never actually understand how it is to live the reality. How real the reality is. And even though they live it, they think it would change eventually.

Hundreds people was born poor. Decades of hardworking, they died poor. That’s reality. That sucks. And complaining about how unfair it was won’t change anything. It would just make your life even more miserable (plus you made the life of people around you as miserable, when you nagging and whining). The world is not fair… If fair means you’re always getting what you want.

If you can’t change reality, change your point of view. I told them many times, but they told me I don’t understand because I don’t live their life.

They thought my life was easy. *giggle*

Happy New Year, my dear… I can wish you a great year… But I guarantee it won’t be any closer to a great year if you still think that perfection exists.