The World Isn’t Fair, Deal With It

January 2, 2012

I totally get it now. Why Mr. Atheist hates virgins.

It’s not the virginity that scares people away, it’s the virgin head they have. The virgin brain with virgin attitude they possess…

The way they think the world is perfect, and even though it’s imperfect you can always turn it around into perfection. The impossible demand of the fairness; where good people get good stuffs and the bad ones got punished… The plain naive expectation which completely contradict the reality.

In the end. It stresses them out. It makes them angry with the world. Makes them feel cheated… which is funny because in the beginning the world never promise them anything. These virgin heads are full of assumptions.

It annoys me as well.

“I can’t believe it happens to me. I am so angry things just don’t change and get better,” they said to me…

In my head, of course – because they have told me for the million times how bitchy I could be – I replied (yeah with bitchiness), “I can’t believe that after more than a quarter of century you haven’t learned anything…”

The world is not fair. It never promised you the fairness. It never said that if you do good, you’ll get good thing in return. It’s what the stupid books told you so you are motivated to do good things, which for me is quite logical if you do good because… it’s good to be done. And, if you do good things just because you want something in return, it’s no more than bull crap.

The world is not fair. Shit happens. The virgin idealism these girls have in mind just sounds silly. And, I can’t say it out loud because one of them have protested to me before that the way I told them things makes them feel like I was looking down at them. They probably right… Probably not. But, yeah… I might not put any respects on this kind of attitude.

I heard these girls complained about how life being so unfair to them. How they tried so hard and nothing came as the result of their hard work. And if I asked them whether their method was effective or not, they would say either “I don’t care anymore, I gave up” or “yeah… but”.

Now, I can totally understand why Mr Atheist said that these girls are scary. They’re scarily unrealistic. They can say they’re logical, realistic, and open minded. They can say whatever they want to say according to what they believed in their head, but… They never actually understand how it is to live the reality. How real the reality is. And even though they live it, they think it would change eventually.

Hundreds people was born poor. Decades of hardworking, they died poor. That’s reality. That sucks. And complaining about how unfair it was won’t change anything. It would just make your life even more miserable (plus you made the life of people around you as miserable, when you nagging and whining). The world is not fair… If fair means you’re always getting what you want.

If you can’t change reality, change your point of view. I told them many times, but they told me I don’t understand because I don’t live their life.

They thought my life was easy. *giggle*

Happy New Year, my dear… I can wish you a great year… But I guarantee it won’t be any closer to a great year if you still think that perfection exists.

Dear You Again

December 31, 2011

Hi you!

I am not gonna promise you this is going to be the last time I write to you like this, but I promise I will try my best to get over you. In fact, one of my unwritten New Year Resolution is to forget about you. Of course, not entirely. Most probably, forget the feeling that made me “galau akhir tahun” like this.

By this time next year, I will see your round bambi eyes with a totally different way. By this time next year, I would be able to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year directly to you. Probably via internet, but hey, chances are we’re not gonna see each other again face to face. So I think that’s the most possible way to talk to you, right? And of course, by this time next year, I won’t make this stupid letter again.

My dearest friend told me I need closure. With you. Do we need closure? Considering we never actually started anything, do we need it? I think I don’t have to make it your problem, since it is my problem. Although my friend said, what if you were actually waiting for me to make the first move?

Then, I’d be damned.

But I would never regret it.

Alright?

I almost forgot the last time we meet. Almost. But not close enough.
I still remember where we were. You were with your family and I was with my friends. I hoped I got your phone number, but no I didn’t. You seemed in hurry. You didn’t seem eager. I should back off.

With that in my head. The remembrance of our last contact would be the reminder to me that it is what it is. It was what it was. We were who we were.

Hey you, who made me “galau akhir tahun”. Thank you.

Dear You

December 29, 2011

Dear You,

 

It’s been years since the last time we talked, but I know you still remember me. I hope you do. But if you do, how come we never talk anymore? It’s kinda sad but, well… I hope you’re doing okay with your life.

You seem to be okay though… At least, that’s my assumption seeing your facebook page every time you got something new on your timeline (that’s what they call it now). That makes me sound like a stalker, but who cares? Do you? I believe you don’t mind if I take a look at your profile once or twice a week, just to catch up with your days… And you know what? You look even more and more beautiful each day.

I miss you.

Well, I didn’t know that I could feel something like this. I mean, I knew, but I didn’t knew that I would still feel it after years have gone by. I miss our little meaningless conversation. I miss our awes every time we found ourselves have done or bought something so similar. I miss having you being around… I miss your Macaroni Schotel. I made a penne schotel for this Christmas party with my friends, but it’s nothing compared to your macaroni schotel.

I mean it.

How come we never talk anymore?

It crosses my mind every time I looked at your picture on facebook. Seriously. How come?

It’s like we got so close and suddenly everything’s gone. Was it when I changed school? Was it after that? And why?

I don’t know your reason, but mine is a bit different.

I can’t be close to you because it would be complicated. It would be complicated for me, and especially for you. And, moreover it’s you, and I don’t want to complicate us because what we had was so beautiful. Beautiful enough to make me back off and let everything like it is. I don’t want to ruin it.

I don’t want to confuse you. Especially, at that moment I was confused myself. And probably, the one who brought the confusion was you. Because you were around and gave me the feeling I didn’t know would ever existed.

And again, it’s complicated because it was you.

If it was someone else, it might be easier. It could be so much easier.

Anyways, it doesn’t even matter anymore. Since we don’t talk, there’s nothing to be worried about.

I might still see you once in a while on facebook. I might enjoy your pretty picture with some cheeky comments on it. I could have a look a little bit longer if the feeling stroke again. I might get a little bit stung when you said something I never expected. However, it wouldn’t change a thing between us.

Not that I don’t want thing to change. I want it.

I mean, I want you to talk to me again. I want to connect with you like we used to. I might change my mind about relationship if it leads somewhere else, but… Yeah.

Anyway… I don’t know what you’re doing today, right now. But I hope you enjoyed your holiday. I believe you did a great job this year and you’ll rock even more next year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New year :)

 

Love,

BYQ

Is It The Five Years or Was That You?

December 5, 2011

Before I went on, I should tell you that I just consumed an adequate amount of alcohol, so I categorized this under “alcohol talk”.

The first question is: why did I drink? I knew there would be a pile of assignments waiting but I drank instead of doing this shit? Well.. let’s blame everything to both brondongs!

Si Onyed and Miiya.

i wonder why they hated each other. I mean… it’s not hate, but even I can feel some kind of competition going on even before now. But, hell, I don’t care what they’re thinking of each other. I care about what they made me feel and/or think…

I told si Onyed today that I made contact to Miiya. A little bit too late, but I was actually waiting for the time she’s no longer too vulnerable for shocking news. And, I was right, she accepted the news really well, I was a bit surprise of how calm her reaction was.

She asked me whether Miiya told me that she was single or not?

Then the lightning stroke me

It was like the slap bet Barney made with Marshall. Something that I knew would come to me but I just didn’t know when. And when it came it’s still as shocking as it should. And I started to question lots of things. About me. About what I did.

And I wonder… how come… after all this time, it’s only her who knows me better than anyone else. It was her who can tell what I might have done or thought without I have to explain the whole things. And it sucks to know that I don’t have that anymore…

I am used to get everything done. When I was with si Onyed, I got everything settled without I had to ask twice. I got my blackberry upgraded, my computer updated… I got a friend who I can talk everything to, and someone who would answer my bootycall no matter how late it was….

I had someone who care to me, no matter how annoying I was. I had it all… Now I am alone.

Maybe it was the cold weather which made me so mellow, or I just pure lonely… but I started to think that I might have made a bad decision…

Yeah, nyed,.. if you read this, you read it right.

It might be the alcohol, but alcohol just made me tell the truth.

I don’t know, Nyed… Was it the five years we spent together, or was it you? But I do need someone who know me as well as you do….

The Superhero Syndrome

November 13, 2011

I don’t know if this term is widely used or only some term that we invented to this particular phenomena.

What would you do if you see a girl in the airport, losing her bag with passport, wallet and ticket inside it? What would you do if you see a really beautiful friend crying because of having a really hard break up with her ex? What would you do if a girl friend lost her phone and need a quick help to block all her contacts? Your reaction might answer what I mean with superhero syndrome.

We use this term, usually for someone who have the feeling of urgency, to help any damsel in distress. The symptoms are quite clear, the adrenaline rush, the faster heartbeat, and of course, the unstoppable stupidity to help girls who looks like need it. And, somehow in a way I can not explain, I am a superhero bait.

I don’t have this Damsel in Distress syndrome ( I might explain it later… or might be not), and I don’t have that Supervillain syndrome. So I don’t know why I attracted these heroes around.

One of possible reasons is that I don’t look like I am capable enough to be by myself, which for me is a little bit insulting >_<. Or, probably it is because I always look like a damsel in distress?

However, I am not going to talk about those heroes around me, I am going to talk about myself. This is my blog, this is my time to shine… capiche?

After AK updated her blog (finally, after a hundred years of absence…), I started to analyze myself. In her blog, AK made me as if I was her heroine (or something like that), which instantly reminded me of Denise’s e-mail. Two girls, in one week, put me in the position as if I have done something heroic to them, which for me… it was something… natural.

Do I have this superhero syndrome too? I know that I am nicer to my girl friends than to my guy friends. I know that sometimes I become too dependable, although I hate girls who are emotionally attached with me. I know that there are lots of chances that they might take me for granted but… I like the feeling when they said that I was being helpful. I like the appreciation…

Really. Do I have superhero syndrome?

I should go and check in the internet if they have the self assessment test for people with superhero syndrome, but then again I remember that this superhero syndrome is not a common term used by general people. I don’t even recall that this is used in academic situation. So, rather than wasting my time browsing, I tried to assess myself with these three questions:

1. Do I always feel that I need to help my girl friends if they are in need?

2. Do I always feel bad if I don’t help them solving their problems?

3. Have I ever involved in troubles when I tried to help these girls?

If the answer is yes, then you might have the superhero syndrome. Please don’t ask what my answer was…