Well, that’s what I feel right now

And yes, I just put the happy face smiley there. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I just don’t want to be seen that sad lol. It’s stupid, to be honest.

Anyway.

Remember when I told you about friendzone? Yeah apparently I was not totally right about it. You want to say something before I continue? Alright… Yes I was friendzoned just not so long time ago, so I know now.

The person that I like constantly talking about another girl. Constantly.

I might be happy if he does, but the problem is he seems not happy about it. Of course, if there’s no problem they won’t talk about it right? Actually I don’t mind listening anything he said…. It’s just bad.

If seeing him online makes me feel warm inside, and when he spoke to me it gave me tingling in my stomach… when he talked about the other girl it makes me feel the chill in my back. But the worst, when he said he wasn’t happy, it slightly makes me angry.

Can you imagine… You want a pizza (or pasta, whatever you like, basically any food you like the most). And you actually got the best pizza in the world. Lots of cheeses, thick toppings, lots of meats, warm and sliced just right. The pizza was only one inch from your mouth, but then you see someone you really really really care about, looking at you, your pizza, hungry.

So you said to him. Alright you can have my last slice of pizza. And you hoped deep inside he’ll share the pizza with you. But no.

He gave the pizza to someone else. He thought that person would share his pizza with him. But no.

She took the pizza. Bit a bit. Didn’t like it, and she looked him, saying she was on diet and just threw the rest to the trash can.

Change the pizza with your heart.

Worst feeling ever.

Anyway…

I don’t want to spoil someone else’s story, but I just want to explain what went on few weeks go. So, I was talking to this friend on facebook chat, she was so low because of her academic problem. She was very low, so at that moment, the only right thing to do is to invite her over so she can talk and I can comfort her… a little. Yes, I sacrifice my game! So that should counts. She was so happy when I invited her to come because she didn’t want to be alone at that moment, and I was the only one who offered a talk.

She went on with heart to heart talk, said she couldn’t talk to anyone about her feeling because she thought people doesn’t care. Well, maybe they really don’t care, but it wouldn’t help if you kept thinking that way, would it? Anyway, I told her, if anything happens, she can always talk to me.

The next day, she asked me to go out to the city center. Two days after she called me and asked me if I was free. Few days afterwards we talked on skype, and then she found out I was going to go to Noel Gallagher’s concert (which I bought about three months before I even talked to her about her problems). Later that I know from Denise that she was disappointed that I didn’t ask her to go with me.

“She said if anything happens I can talk to her, but she didn’t ask me to go to Noel Gallagher’s concert with her”.

Is that even make sense?

It wasn’t the first time I had this “friendship went too far” experience. It happened many times actually. I offered a friendship and these girls just don’t know where to stop. Am I a chick magnet or something? Well, if I am I will take that as a compliment, but if I don’t, what’s wrong with me?

A female friend was a bit pissed with me because I “left” her on a party. First, it wasn’t a real party. Second, she went there with another friend and not only with me. I didn’t leave him alone or whatsoever, but for her I was abandoning her. This sensitivity I don’t have. And that kind of attitude; the clingy, needy behavior, I don’t understand. They are strong women I can see, but when I was there, they want me to… argh. They need boyfriends I guess, I was replacing that figure (which I also don’t understand how that makes sense).

I am not a bad friend. I believe that. Apart from my Machiavellian tendency, I know that I can go to your house in the middle of the night if you needed my help. I can abandon things that I like, like my game if you said to me you were feeling low and you need someone to talk. I can pick up the phone, no matter how hesitate I am talking on phone, when you call just to make sure you’re alright. I will listen no matter how boring your love life story, and if you ask I might give you idea, sometimes the brilliant ones (I am a narcissist, so deal with it).

However, I am not that kind of friend.

You can come to me to talk about your problem, but it does not necessarily vice versa. I mean, I don’t get the idea how come you expect me to talk to you if you don’t even know how to solve your problem yourself? I might just go to a professional or if I just need to vent I will write it here. Sorry for that but, hey… That’s how I deal with most of my problems. Doesn’t mean I don’t talk to friends at all… I do, but to some extent.

I don’t go out with friends on daily basis. I know some (Asian?) girls do this. They shop together, eat together everyday, go to campus together in group, and that’s how define close friends. I don’t do that. Chances are I go to the city centre without telling you anything, or go to a concert by myself, and it doesn’t change my friendship with you. I don’t think I have to report all my activities to a friend, that’s absurd. Isn’t it?

I like companionship, but I am not marrying that.

I know this month I didn’t post as much as I expected before. Not that I don’t want to, you know how this blog has become a part or my life. The problem is that I can’t write.

Don’t blame TW. I can find time to write while waiting for my troops back and forth farming. I just can’t write anything. For few days. I felt so much pressure in me, and I guess you can see it from the letter I wrote myself (or something like that). I think, in many aspects of my life.

I just have made some decisions, big ones, like I think I have to postpone my PhD. It is impossible for me to write a real good proposal right now. I only  have seven days left and I am not yet come up with a fixed topic. I don’t want to just pick any topic just because I want to do a PhD. I need to do things that I like, because I know that’s the only way it would work (or so they told me). At the same time, there are lots of things going on with my study, like my projects for Alain’s class, an essay for Clive’s class, and a topic for dissertation to decide. It’s going to be very busy, and i am sure as hell I don’t need more of those.

Romance? Oh… this is killing me. Especially lately.

I mean, after my parents know that I went out with this nice person, my mother just over reacted. Basically, everyone who knew I went out with this man over reacted *sigh*. I know he’s mature, and nice, and with his all quality, I know he’s good. But, just because he has all the qualities which are expected doesn’t mean I will instantly like him, right? The problem was, it’s like almost everybody tried to push me to that direction without actually gave me some time to assess my own feeling. Until few days ago I wasn’t sure about it… even now i am not sure about it, but somehow it seems people are so rushed…

So I’d rather back off.

I mean, come on. Since I had my second meeting with him, people who knew this have been constantly asking me about “the progress” and “the next date”. They insisted that watching movie was a date, which for me… come on! I watched movie with my guy friend before. Yes, only two of us. It was a movie. And it wasn’t a date, you can confirm to them if you want to. I can, of course, let them think whatever they want to think, but it gave me so much pressure. It made me cautious all the time. What if I led him on? What if I hurt someone?

What if I just want to be friends?

Friendship? Well… yeah they always gives me pressure as well.

Denise told me that Chu was pretty pissed off because I didn’t ask her to go to Noel Gallagher’s concert with me. WTF. Okay… explaining this would take the whole entry, so I will continue it next time. I need to sleep you know…

Most of the respondents said that they want their partner to be able to cook. Most of them believe that cooking is a natural gift for females, and girls who claimed themselves can’t cook are either lazy and spoiled or feminists who against nature. Only few believes that cook or not cook is personal choices, but these opinions were undoubtedly bashed. Most of the respondents also said that they would only marry a girl who cook. And of course as the closure they condemn girls who don’t cook (and again using the same reason: spoiled or against nature).

Don’t get me wrong. I love cooking.

I started to learn cooking more seriously (but not professionally) since I got here, so it’s been months already. I love cooking more than I love eating, which is a little bit weird in my opinion. I cook when I’m feeling low, or depressed. It is fun, it distracts me from the negative emotions I felt, and actually it would be so much better if someone that I care about eat it and appreciate it. It would just double the joy. I love cooking, and I know that it’s not everybody. While I enjoy every second of it; washing, preparing, cutting, mixing, tasting, smelling… for Celia, it was pain in the bottom. And I can totally understand that.

In addition to that, it seems that cooking gave me the popularity in facebook. I mean, after I posted some of my cooking creation, people started to comments and they actually… hm… Back to what Soe proposed earlier on her blog, somehow in Indonesia, men like girls who cook. I constantly get these “marriage proposals” from guys and, “you will be a really good wife/mother” from girls. It’s good basically…

However, as much I enjoy cooking, I hate what comes with it. I hate washing up dishes. I hate it because it makes my hand and nails dry. I hate touching the oily plates with my fingers, and I hate scrubbing the pan. I hate when the water sprayed my face because of the stupid spoon. And, what I hate more, those boys who proposed to marry me because they want me to cook for them never, even once, offered their help to wash the dishes. What a selfish bastard!

See?

I am not going to discuss this from the feminist point of view, let it be Soe’s job. I love cooking, I wouldn’t mind cooking for anybody. In fact, I occasionally invited friends to my flat just for lunch or dinner, and I will cook the whole things. So I don’t have any problem with that. But, if offering to wash the dishes in return didn’t even cross your mind, how can you expect me to be happy cooking for you all the time? Who’s gonna wash those fuken dishes? Unless you buy me that bloody dishwasher, or hire me someone to scrub those pans…

Or just simply a nice gesture and wash those for me.

So, just a suggestion guys… You expected a girl to cook for you? What would you give in return? *wink*

Hi girl! I heard you screwed everything there. I knew you would, and I am so glad you did. It just proved me that I was never wrong. Probably I will never wrong in the future, but let’s see.

So how’s life? Okay, I knew you screwed, but apart from your fucked up crazy little flings, I think you’re doing quite well, weren’t you? I mean, you still had this okay grades from your so-so essays. You can still cook some craps, and smoke although you’re basically running out of cigarettes. See, if anyone would send you cigarettes, but I am not sure about that because nobody cares if you can smoke or not.

See? It wasn’t that bad.

And that nice guy you met earlier this week. Screw him. He might just too good for you. You know… steady realistic relationship, just not for you. Yeah, that’s why that nice guy you met from TW left you. That’s also why the nice guy that you liked chose another girl. But anyway… You’re not up to romance whatsoever, are you? No, I don’t think so. I know you better than anyone else. Let’s say, I am your gollum and you’re my smeagol. Not a pretty analogy, but you know…

So now you’re going to the shrink again? Can’t handle it, can you? You can try… but you know you can’t get rid of this feeling only by talking. I know you chose to continue this session because the counselor is cute, didn’t you? You’re rubbish, and predictable. You’re not that cool, you know?

Tell you what? It doesn’t take a genius to say that your fake narcissism was your mask to conceal your incompatibility with the world. Seriously, you should just take that mask down, and you’d just a below average girl. You only have yourself.

You want me to stop?

Remember the letter I gave you few weeks ago? See how you screw yourself with those young lads? Yes, you deserved that. You deserved to be screwed by those people who doesn’t really like who you are. They were just playing, and you knew it, you pathetic being.

Anyway. I should stop.

Before you decided to jump from your flat window, thinking that you might just die like a coward, although probably somewhere in my head, I know that you might be better not living this life anymore. It’s too good for you, you know?

Hey Bybyq. See you next time when you screw again.

After the result I got… INTJ.

I was like… wait a minute, he got a healer, and I got this nonsense code? After a while I realized that there are more than 1 description about the result. So INTJ is also called the Mastermind.

Woot woot! Mastermind! It sounds cool :p

All Rationals are good at planning operations, but Masterminds are head and shoulders above all the rest in contingency planning. Complex operations involve many steps or stages, one following another in a necessary progression, and Masterminds are naturally able to grasp how each one leads to the next, and to prepare alternatives for difficulties that are likely to arise any step of the way. Trying to anticipate every contingency, Masterminds never set off on their current project without a Plan A firmly in mind, but they are always prepared to switch to Plan B or C or D if need be.

Masterminds are rare, comprising no more than one to two percent of the population, and they are rarely encountered outside their office, factory, school, or laboratory. Although they are highly capable leaders, Masterminds are not at all eager to take command, preferring to stay in the background until others demonstrate their inability to lead. Once they take charge, however, they are thoroughgoing pragmatists. Masterminds are certain that efficiency is indispensable in a well-run organization, and if they encounter inefficiency — any waste of human and material resources — they are quick to realign operations and reassign personnel. Masterminds do not feel bound by established rules and procedures, and traditional authority does not impress them, nor do slogans or catchwords. Only ideas that make sense to them are adopted; those that don’t, aren’t, no matter who thought of them. Remember, their aim is always maximum efficiency.

In their careers, Masterminds usually rise to positions of responsibility, for they work long and hard and are dedicated in their pursuit of goals, sparing neither their own time and effort nor that of their colleagues and employees. Problem-solving is highly stimulating to Masterminds, who love responding to tangled systems that require careful sorting out. Ordinarily, they verbalize the positive and avoid comments of a negative nature; they are more interested in moving an organization forward than dwelling on mistakes of the past.

Masterminds tend to be much more definite and self-confident than other Rationals, having usually developed a very strong will. Decisions come easily to them; in fact, they can hardly rest until they have things settled and decided. But before they decide anything, they must do the research. Masterminds are highly theoretical, but they insist on looking at all available data before they embrace an idea, and they are suspicious of any statement that is based on shoddy research, or that is not checked against reality.

http://keirsey.com/4temps/mastermind.aspx

Or…

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of “definiteness”, of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise — and INTJs can have several — they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don’t know.

INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion “Does it work?” to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.

INTJs are known as the “Systems Builders” of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be “slacking,” including superiors, will lose their respect — and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.

In the broadest terms, what INTJs “do” tends to be what they “know”. Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.

Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ’s Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.

This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete’, paralleling that of many Fs — only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.

Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to “work at” a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.

http://typelogic.com/intj.html

However what excite me the most is who actually shared the same personality type with me:

Gandalf the Grey (J. R. R. Tolkein’s Middle Earth books)
Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
Professor Moriarty, Sherlock Holmes’ nemesis

http://typelogic.com/intj.html

Wait… I am a WHAT??

Well… Considering this blog is a part of myself, while I am growing up, it follows my growing up process as well. Last year there are lots of soul searching, finding myself and opening myself to many opportunities. “This is Byq” can be vaguely seen as “this is me” or “this is big”. Yes, the soul searching process is a big thing to do… and after all, last year, many big things happened to me. This year, I hope it would be different.

After dealing with the inner self, I wanted to show other people the real me. I mean, to be honest about myself is not something easy. Sometimes in order to feel better, people make covers to show who they’re not inside. I remember one a bitter quotation someone put on her status in facebook (I am pretty sure she quoted it somewhere else, but not everybody know how to use the Harvard referencing system, do they?), “Thank you for loving me for who I’m not”.

Yes and her friends would all goo, “aaaaw” and comment her status with some sympathy and the pity party start, clogging my feed box with rubbish. Nobody asked her, “how did he know you for who you’re not?”

What kind of assessment you had? How do he thinks you are who you are not? What kind of impression you made for him?

Believing that a relationship (not only a romantic relationship) is a two way activity, it’s almost impossible for people to make his or her own judgment without you giving the other party the first wrong impression. You’re gonna tell people not to judge a book by its cover, but let’s be honest, you would be very hesitate buy a book with a lousy cover and shitty back-cover synopsis.

Giving the wrong impression can mislead the relationship. Especially when no one tried to correct the wrong impression. I should admit that misleading people can be very entertaining once in a while, but not in a serious context of course.

This year, I want to be honest to myself and to other people. Maybe they will be interested to who I am, and if they do, it would make my life soooo much easier. Yes, my self searching process is still going on, but the main focus is how to show my progress to the world. Not such an easy task, but doable

I really didn’t know how to answer that, to be honest. When I asked him about my situation, I never thought that it would just came back to me. Should I start from the beginning? Yes of course.

One of my New Year Resolution is to be less bitchy. Less sarcasm. Less snappy answers. Less mean comments. To be short, less bitchy. However the bitchiness is something that you can measure. How do you know you have been less bitchy than before? The only way is how to control this urging feeling of snapping or shooting opinions when talking to others, and that’s not easy. And I asked one of my new friends, who is a counselor. How to control myself from doing this stuff?

Why? He asked me.

The simple question expanded to a self investigation. Why do I bitch? Why do I want to stop bitching? What snaps me? Whom I bitch to? Why do you choose these people?

I don’t know.

I thought I am a kind of person who understand what I want and what I don’t want, and would do things only when I know the reason why I do that. But about this bitchiness… I really doesn’t have a clue. So I started to dig deeper to myself.

I always do that to my friends, to people who close to me, that’s what I know for sure. I always think that I don’t need to state any comment to people I don’t know, but I always have the concern to tell the truth to friends. Yes, exactly. The way I said it was the one that considered as bitchy.

And my counselor friend asked me. Why do you do that to people who cares about you? You want to push them away?

I never thought I want to push people away from me. I never thought that I have this kind of habit. But when I looked back to where I was, I definitely pushed so many people away. I never tried to reach out after some times, and usually hold back when they’re getting close. The question from this friend made me realise that there is a pattern.

Anyway… Since it’s now become a habit, I don’t really know how to keep people around me. And that sucks lol. Especially if I do really want them to be around. Geez.

I need to drink something.

If you came last night you might find something weird again about my blog. And it was definitely what you think it was. My blog got defaced again. Two times in a month, now I believe this web hosting sucks beyond repair. I really really really want to move this blog, however I still have no idea where. I think it is going to be a little bit a waste if I bought the unlimited service from some web hosting here, if I only use no more than few MB in a month. Even McXoem has questioned my decision using 5GB before :p

The fact that my blog defaced twice a month gave me impression that either the security of this hosting service is very lousy, or my blog is very popular. I will go for the first one though, although I am so tempted to believe the second one, out of narcissism.

Yes, and Two Heroes as well This time, the heroes are McXoem (again, because he’s the only one I know that I can trust to access my cpanel and has proven himself as a very experienced blogger which can do anything about blog), and his friend @aurel_666 (I don’t know what he wants himself to be referred to, but since I knew him on twitter, I’d rather mention him with his twitter name ). When I woke up this morning, McXoem just left a message on my BB messenger and also a mention on twitter, which also mentioned his dear friend.

Both of them saved my ass blog. McXoem said he hasn’t checked my cpanel, something I don’t really understand what for, but yes he still has my password so…

I believe in humanity now.

Well… I always believe in humanity.

The back to back hacking on my blog made me doubt it a little bit though :p, even I just knew from McXoem himself that the one that saved my blog was a repented hacker *confused*.

Anyway, I wondered what I should have done to make my blog safe? Is it hard to transfer blog somewhere safer? And which hosting would be safer? I have told myself over and over again that I wouldn’t continue using this service, and have a couple of months or weeks to decide where to go…

Where?

Author: Alexandra Karina

Language: Indonesia

Publisher: Universal Nikko

Synopsis:

Angel, an ordinary girl with an ordinary dream suddenly found that her life might not be that ordinary. Especially, after she found out that an Angel of Death (the real one) was going to take her life. However, she couldn’t die yet. Not until she got her last wish fulfilled.

But, when she could actually get what she wished for, things become more and more complicated. It’s either not getting what she wants for the rest of her life, or die. Not a really good choice. But time is running out, and Angel needs to make up her mind before death finding its new target.

Review:

Alright. This novel is a teenlit. I am so sorry that the way I write the synopsis makes it sounds like it is very serious.

But indeed, it is a serious work.

I am not a fan of teenlit, to be honest. I took this one because it has my name on the “thank you” page, and I didn’t have to buy it because the author herself brought this book to England for me. LOL. Just kidding, AK! I was waiting for this book for years and when it’s finally published I am so lucky that I can be one of the first who got this book. With the autograph of the author (one day it would worth billion times more than its actual price :p).

Anyway, back to the review.

There are two kind of books that I can’t stop reading. First one is the book with lots of twists, which makes me wonder how it would end. The second one is the book, that I already predict the ending but I am very very curious how it would get there. This book is the second one. I knew it, AK! I knew it! But I am not gonna spoil it here.

Like I said, it’s so interesting to know how it get there. I should admit that I finish this book in only one day. Non stop. Fortunately I read it when I was having the winter break, so I didn’t screw my schedule because of reading this book.

Yes, the characterization of the main characters reminded me a little bit to Japanese Manga characters. At first, I thought it was because of the book cover, but I guess it’s not. It is a little bit manga-ish. I mean, the cool guy, the nice guy and the clumsy ordinary girl as the central character is a little bit typical.

I love the humor. God knows how I love smart humor and word plays. Should I say that the humor here is just too smart for a teenlit? I mean, making a joke about death is not easy, and my dear friend I am down on my knee and salute you for doing that. Good job.

Yes because the author is my friend and I have promised her to promote her book, so I recommended this book for everybody…

FOOL!

Of course not! My reputation as a reviewer is actually at stake when I write this review. I tried to be as objective as I can and yet I am still going to recommend this book. It is a teenlit, a bit or romantic, a bit of comedy…

and a bit of magic