Why? He asked me.
I really didn’t know how to answer that, to be honest. When I asked him about my situation, I never thought that it would just came back to me. Should I start from the beginning? Yes of course.
One of my New Year Resolution is to be less bitchy. Less sarcasm. Less snappy answers. Less mean comments. To be short, less bitchy. However the bitchiness is something that you can measure. How do you know you have been less bitchy than before? The only way is how to control this urging feeling of snapping or shooting opinions when talking to others, and that’s not easy. And I asked one of my new friends, who is a counselor. How to control myself from doing this stuff?
Why? He asked me.
The simple question expanded to a self investigation. Why do I bitch? Why do I want to stop bitching? What snaps me? Whom I bitch to? Why do you choose these people?
I don’t know.
I thought I am a kind of person who understand what I want and what I don’t want, and would do things only when I know the reason why I do that. But about this bitchiness… I really doesn’t have a clue. So I started to dig deeper to myself.
I always do that to my friends, to people who close to me, that’s what I know for sure. I always think that I don’t need to state any comment to people I don’t know, but I always have the concern to tell the truth to friends. Yes, exactly. The way I said it was the one that considered as bitchy.
And my counselor friend asked me. Why do you do that to people who cares about you? You want to push them away?
I never thought I want to push people away from me. I never thought that I have this kind of habit. But when I looked back to where I was, I definitely pushed so many people away. I never tried to reach out after some times, and usually hold back when they’re getting close. The question from this friend made me realise that there is a pattern.
Anyway… Since it’s now become a habit, I don’t really know how to keep people around me. And that sucks lol. Especially if I do really want them to be around. Geez.
I need to drink something.