Guilt

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Yes, that’s what I’ve been dealing now.

I know it is my fault so, please you don’t have to shove it in my face and saying the same thing over and over again. This guilt is killing me and it makes me feel depressed every day.

My boyfriend, I want to call him McSteamy but it would make my blog very very cheesy and I wouldn’t let that happen since I am no longer a teenager, and the fact that a lot of teenager write a non-cheesy blogs, it gives me one more reason why I shouldn’t let this blog became a cheesy blog… Oh where was I? Oh yeah. My boyfriend is a good person. He is a really good person. He is a life partner material.  He is kind, he is nice and he does what he says he wants to do. So basically, less bullshit more things’ done.

He is thoughtful and he… well… like I said, treated me like a princess.

I know it’s only been few weeks, but…

Anyway…

So…

Dammit!

I know it’s been so long since the last time I really blogged, but I never knew that it would be so hard now to talk about things. I don’t understand why. I don’t know what I feel right now about this relationship except guilt.

After some times he tried not saying the “L” word, he finally said that again few days ago. I will be lying if I said that I am okay with that. I will be lying if I said that I don’t get freaked out. Because I did.  I was freaked out and I really didn’t know what to do. I was so scared that I might one day hurt this very nice and kind person, because I might not be able to feel the same.

For one second I kind of understood what my ex felt. I kind of understood why he did what he did. I kind of understood the guilt that he had at that moment, which pushed him away from me and made him leave me. And it made me even more freaked out. What if I got to that point, one day?

 

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