Right at this moment

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Just finished smoking. I can still tasted the last cigarettes I just had five minutes ago, and now I am looking at the last drops of vodka I have left. No I haven’t been drinking but now I am shaking, and I am so close of drink them all in one big gulp. I know I might throw up the next minutes but right now I don’t care.

I don’t even know why I wanted to do that to myself.

But I know why I am typing this right now. I need to get it out of my system. I need to let it out so I can feel better about myself. I need to get my sanity back because I don’t have much time left. I don’t have much time left.

I am this close to hurt myself, and even if I knew there would be someone that I can talk to, I couldn’t talk to them. I just couldn’t. My brain wouldn’t allow myself to tell people how broken I am right now.

Right at this moment I just feel like I really need to drink it. Am I being alcoholic? No. I think it’s been weeks since my last alcohol. I’ve been sobered for weeks and that must be something to celebrate, doesn’t it?

But then I remembered that Mr. Fix-It must be upset if I just drank it all, and damaging my liver. I don’t know why I should care because he’s been damaging himself with tons of nicotine and caffeine himself. I don’t know why the hell I should care but here I am, not drinking, just sitting like an idiot, typing this  like a lunatic and staring at the bottle which standing there taunting me, challenging me… offering me a piece of… something.

I know it wouldn’t help if I took it. I know it would’t help it I just gave in. But I… I don’t know.

Should I just drink it? Should I just let go the control I am having now? Should I just sleep the day away and hope that everything, my feeling, my mood, my… myself would be better tomorrow when I wake up? What if I died today and I would die in regret because I didn’t drink that goddamn vodka? What if I died today and I would die in regret if I did?

Yes, I might have an emotional break down right now. Trouble is, I don’t know why.

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