If I have told you before that I was angry, it was nothing compared to the anger I feel now. I’m angry and feel betrayed and foolish at the same time. And upset. And disappointed. And as what I’ve told Mr. Fix-It, “I just want to die”.
Of course he disagreed. He never wants me to die no matter how much I’ve hurt him.
It began when I received an unexpected greeting from Mr. Break-It. That’s how we call my ex before Mr. Fix-It. Why? Because he broke everything he touched.
He didn’t ask me anything, just told me some facts and what he’s gonna do about it. “Hey Byq. You moved on. You found a new bloke. I think I’m going to unfriend you”.
He didn’t hear what I said, didn’t care what I told him, until I begged for explanation. Begged.
This is his explanation: I looked at your profile, was shocked that you have found a new boyfriend and feel like crap for a reason I can’t explain. I don’t let myself for such negative emotion, so I’d better take care the problem from the root.
Or something like that.
And after a long comment from me. Angry message basically. He only sent me a… Well… I don’t know.
“GLHF” that was his last message.
Problem. He called me a problem. And feel like crap. And HE’S BEEN MAKING ME FEEL LIKE CRAP FOR WEEKS!! Now when someone come to fix what he broke, he made a big episode about it and he knew…
He knew how I still love him. And he knew how I would break apart all over again when he told me that. He knew that. He knew. But he did it anyway.
I am stupid.
So I told Mr. Fix-It. Took a bottle of wine to tell him and finally release all my feelings inside. And I told him, crying like an idiot bitch, “I can’t live with this guilt, I think we should break up” (see why I called Mr. Break-It so?)
I am stupid. But I am not a cruel bitch. I know I can make Mr. Fix-It stay with me as long as I want him too, I know how he feels towards me, but again, I don’t want to be a mean person. If one hurtful message from Mr. Break-It can break me apart, if he still had me wrap around his fingers, if he still had his influence in my life, I shouldn’t be in any relationship. I shouldn’t, not because I don’t want to, but obviously because I am not ready.
He made me realise how fragile the relationship I had with Mr. Fix-It. How vulnerable I was. And that I might too scared to admit that I had been using Mr. Fix-It as my safety blanket, which… Cruel for him.
What I had with Mr. Fix-It was great. I don’t want it to end like shit. I don’t want it end with hatred and anger. I don’t want us stop talking. And I know if I still had Mr. Break-It in my heart, I would be Miss Break-It, and would break whatever good things left between me and Mr. Fix-It.
So it’s only wise to call it over. And wait. And wait until I’m strong enough to fix myself, and came as a great Bybyq he deserves. Or not.
To be honest I don’t know what am I gonna do right now. I just know I need to finish my dissertation. And back to my New Year plan, no time for romance.
GLHF. And fuck you too.