Letters From Home: The Bigger Picture

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Last week was a roller coaster week for me, the news from home were not as pleasing as I hoped it would be. Of course some great news such as a blogger friend who’s getting engaged, and several friends were having babies. Oh yes, there were lots of babies there. I wonder when I come back to Indonesia, how many little critters would come and call me Auntie.

Auntie Byq. That is not so bad, isn’t it?

No that’s not bad. What is bad was the news I got from an old friend you might have familiarised yourself with. Come on come on, she used to be a regular guest star either in this blog or in my old ones. Right, if you already got that, I don’t have to mention her (even) pseudonym, but if you have no clue who she was, then that’s fine too.

She said, she’s having a divorce.

Of course I am not surprised with that news. Come on, I knew from the day that she was going to marry this man, that this marriage would not last long. I was amazed that it could last for almost two years. Not that I was trying to say something cruel, but I knew her that well. That was not the life that she wanted. She compromised herself so much for something that she thought was the priority.

She was unhappy.

I knew she was never happy with this decision. Of course she lived a good life. She had a great husband who loved her a lot, and was able to supply her lifestyle. She had a great adventure, travelling to places she has never visited before. She could do everything, but I think she did it for the wrong reason.

You know why I decided to break up with Mr Fix It?

This is why.

Sometimes there is someone who apparently ticked all the boxes, and very compatible in paper, and you know that this person would never deliberately hurt you. But staying with someone just for the sake of those stuffs, was totally unethical. I am not saying that it was wrong because it is humane for people to find the safest way, the easiest way to live their life. But after some times, things that you thought you might tolerate, and things that you thought might change over time never happened. You would start to feel trapped, and get easily annoyed, and small things became so irritating.

And then this person. The person who ticked all the boxes. The person who was very compatible in paper. And the person who would never deliberately hurt you. This person would be the one you hate the most. Not because of what they do, but because of what they made you feel.

Guilt.

Some people would not admit it. But I know what it feels to live with it. So, if you think it is different on your side, so good for you. Because living with guilt is not a definition of a fun and interesting life.

So, back to my old darling friend.

Because I was not so shocked that she would have this separation with her husband, so I don’t really need the details. She will tell me when she is ready to tell me about that. She will talk sooner or later, but that was not my main concern about this situation.

You know, she dropped her education for this marriage, and she has to find a job, a real one to support herself and her mother. So I wonder if she could actually find something to support her lifestyle. I just want to know the big picture. I just want to know the plan. I just want to know what she was going to do with her future.

To be honest last week’s news from home made me think a lot about my future. I know I am probably one of the most carefree person I’ve ever known. I don’t think much right now despite my desperate desire to stay in this country. But now I wonder about what I should have done for myself. *sigh*

 

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