Monthly Archives: May 2013

Distance

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Distance doesn’t matter, they said.

These people certainly have never been in a long distance relationship before, and if they were, they must be in a great denial. It does matter.

I am a kind of person who doesn’t believe in a long distance relationship. The only reason why couples are in this kind of relationship is because of the situation they could control. Job, study, border agency, or knowing each other from the internet, and hundreds other reasons. The thing is, if you could choose how things should go, you would never ever ever ever choose to be in a long distance relationship.

Distance doesn’t matter. My arse.

Long distance relationship is definitely an options that you choose only by force. It is something you would have done because there were no other way you could do.

Being in one is very frustrating. You could not resolve any problems when needed, and you cannot explain something on your mind without the risk of being misunderstood. You could not do anything when your partner is in trouble, or bad mood, or you cannot share your favourite place or food because they were not there. You could not show how cute your new puppies are, and how soft they felt in your hand, you could not see how they reacted when you put those little cuteness in their hands.

You could not hug them, and the only kisses you remember was the good bye kisses. Which was sad and frustrating.

And writing this while listening to Glasgow Love Theme from Love Actually isn’t really helping.

Anyway…

Distance does matter.

Some people it helps you to put your relationship to the test. It could show how strong the bonds between both of you. I would show how important having your partner in your life, when they were not there. It shows how important internet connection is, for human being’s existence. It definitely teaches you how to be wiser in words and more patience in action.

Therefore it does matter.

At least it matters a lot to me.

And I hate it.

It is definitely tiring. It is emotionally and physically draining. It sucks.

Just because some people made it through this test, I don’t think anybody should have done this in their life. I really believe if there’s a choice, maybe anybody who’s doing this should just let it go and get a life. Especially those who still don’t know for how long they should be doing this bullshit kind of relationships. I see no point of making out with your mobile phones.

That’s pathetic.

Okay. I am having PMS.

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Letter from Mr. Fix-It (2)

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Of course I had to cut right there. I would need to build some suspense before I finally give up the rest of the letter. However this time I don’t need to write too much introduction. Here’s the last part of the letter:

The “thing” is a personal and private issue, and unless she has mentioned it in this blog, I am certainly not going to say anything about it. I will say that “it” wasn’t any fault of mine, and she felt horrible about the issue.

It meant, understandably, that she couldn’t continue our relationship. That it wouldn’t be fair on either of us. So, over a bottle of wine and lots of tears Byq broke it off.

Im fairly sure that with all the information I had, Byq probably thought that I would slam the door on her face and tell her how awful she had been and how much she hurt me.. all that *drama*. Thing is that I totally understood and sympathised with her situation and I sure as hell wasn’t going to add to her misery by “punishing” her. Fuck that! Besides, she really, really needed a friend. Do you know what I admired most about byq at that time? Her complete and transparent honesty. Technically the things she said *should* have made a sudden ex hostile, or distant. I think some part of her wanted me to hate and punish her. To give her the pain that she thought she gave me. I don’t do things like that…anyway… she told me straight. She was totally honest and she told me how (miserable) she felt. For that I had nothing but admiration and respect…..

I had assumed at the beginning that we would be friends, and that is where I found myself. In many ways that was not “second best” because being friends with Byq is wonderful. I think it was around that time when I told her that she was worth waiting for, and I will continue with the friendship, with no pressure, and wait in case she changed her mind.

We still spent evenings and most nights together. We still chatted about stuff and I listened to the things that were upsetting byq. It was a strange relationship in some ways because we were not “together”, but we held on to each other. I offered friendship and kindness and accepted whatever byq felt she could reciprocate.

Even then I loved her.

I was no doormat though. Even though I loved her I understood clearly the situation. I understood that “more than friends” would not happen. I even told myself not to … say things.. when she stayed overnight. I failed utterly at that side of things. Byq is a tempting drug both intellectually and physically. The love I had for her was tempered and shielded by the fact that she could not reciprocate in good faith. We both understood this.

Life went on… we saw each other regularly. I resisted her efforts to discourage me from passively waiting. Not only is byq worth waiting for, I (possibly arrogantly) knew that she still needed a friend – someone who was there for her no matter what. Someone who would not make demands. Someone to pick her up when she gets low.

Life went on… and a subtle change started. Im fairly sure that my spidey sense noticed it way before anything was said, but still I did not hope or push the matter. I still cared deeply for byq and cared what happens to her – with or without me. I still loved her. She began to slowly change. Become more confident,.. happier, I guess. I knew what she was feeling when she sometimes started to feel uncomfortable around me. Dare I hope??

The night when she told me she had something to say… I had to promise to forget what she was going to utter. I had to promise not to remind her. I agreed. There was a long silence then… those three words that made my heart skip a few beats. Three words mumbled so quickly. I couldn’t hear the words themselves but the sound and cadence.. it could only have been…. “I love you”

…… um….

There you go. That is the beginnings of byq and mr fixit.

It may seem very very odd but I am glad that it happened that way.

Why?

Ill tell you why…

Because we had time to get to know each other. We had time to get closer to each other. Because even through the heartaches and confusion and the denials we *still* gravitated towards each other. We grew fonder over time and the initial bond we had grown stronger and stronger.

And now…

And now I simply want her in my life… or rather,  I want to share a life with her. She completes me and strengthens in so many ways I didn’t know possible. We both seem to connect on many levels (pretty good going considering the cultural differences and the fact that I am considered “a bit odd” by most “sheeple”) I love her and that is a fundamental fact. Something I couldn’t change even if I wanted to.

Epilogue:

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t display our romance in the public space just because I want to rub it in everyone’s face about how things went in my life. And even though you might have read what he said about me, please do keep in mind that I am not THAT emotional, and you might have known it after years following my blog.

I just think this is one of many ways I could thank him for being there for me, and to finally introduce him properly rather than keeping him in the dark. After all, I have nothing to hide.

 

A Letter From Mr. Fix It (1)

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Introduction:

I think you have heard the story of us from my point of view, and when I told Mr. Fix-It about it, I thought it would only fair if he could tell the story from his point of view as well. So I asked him to make a SHORT story about it, but I think just like me, he liked to ramble lots of stuffs, so I am so very sorry that this is not going to be a short letter like you probably would expect.

Few weeks ago, Mr. Fix-It finally sent the last draft of his letter and I took the liberty to edit some of the things he said. Of course he didn’t know that even if he is anonymous in this blog, I am not that unknown. It would be very uncomfortable to read a soppy story with too much unnecessary information. So I’d better start posting his letter before I ended up writing the whole entry myself.

So, here’s the letter:

Where do I start?

I guess by saying hello *waves* .

So yeah, I am Mr Fix-it. That amorphous guy lurking around Byq`s blogs. Byq asked if I would like to write something, so here I am…. Struggling with what to actually say and hoping desperately to sound at least vaguely interesting.

It was Byq who coined my name – Mr fix-it. Im not sure if it was insight or coincidence, but thinking about it, that kinda sums me up fairly accurately. I do tend to want to fix things – either physical things like a broken pc or emotional stuff. The irony is that I’m “good with people” and yet im socially reserved (retarded?). I see someone who is upset and my first question is “are you ok?” followed by “do you want to talk about it?”…. its almost second nature to me.  I could philosophise and say that I’m the kinda guy who at a party is in the kitchen or a quiet corner either lurking awkwardly or chatting to a lost soul.

Anyhoos… I’m happy to be Mr fix-it for Byq… I’m very very happy to be her Man, too!

But I’m getting ahead of myself… I don’t think I was fixit straight away. I will recount from my perspective how we met. Bear in mind that I have not fully read Byqyq`s blog, only the stuff she emailed to me.  I wanted to get to know her by the physical and intuitive feelings, rather than words on a page. I may cover old ground…

So… we are both on a social networking site, mainly geared towards dating). She messaged me and gave me a good rating. I checked her profile and liked what I read. I also loved her photos, two especially… I couldn’t stop looking at them.

But… almost fatally.. I thought that I will reply later when I’m feeling a bit more coherent (I work silly hours and am pretty brain dead half of the time).

Time passed and, thank god, she sent a message telling me that she had re read my profile and said I deserve a higher rating.

This time I replied.

I chat, and have chatted to a lot of people online. Sometimes a friendship happens, most times it fizzles after a few weeks or months. Chatting with Byq was different from the start. Even through text I could *feel* a connection – not a mushy one yet, but we were definitely “clicking” (urgh, I hate clichés, but this post will be full of them!). I had no hopes for romance because her profile explicitly stated “friendship only”.  Since I don’t always think with my man-bits, I was totally cool with that

After many email messages, and after establishing that we were not total psychopaths or pervs (or at least gratuitous pervs) we decided to meet for a coffee. She was going to visit her home country and I *really* wanted to meet up and say “hi” in person before she left. I don’t know why it seemed important to me (intuition?) but I asked and she accepted……

…..the meeting…

I got there super early (“there” being a sensible “public place” – internet safety, people. Remember it! Haha) and ordered coffee and started to people-watch. More coffee and more watching, I received a text from Byqy saying she is delayed. No worries, I was happy to chill.

…time passed…

..and then I saw her….

My first and lasting impression was a cute girl in a bright red coat. I had a few moments to look at her before she noticed me. Cute. Definitely cute. We said hello and….

Bugger me.. Mr “im really confident and if not I can fake it” totally lost it. I felt like a stuttering schoolboy and I desperately hoped that it didn’t show!

I cannot remember what we chatted about, but I do remember taking an instant liking to her. We warmed to each other quickly and she was wonderful company. Again, its all a bit hazy because part of me was drinking her in and the other part was trying not to say something stupid and make a tit of myself. After a while we nipped round the corner for a crafty cigarette.

So, yeah. It all happened rather fast. Since we had been.. um.. close… over the weekend I asked if she would be my girlfriend. Ha! Sounds like a schoolboy way of doing things. It was made official – changing facebook status J  – and we started being together as much as we could.

First three weeks were *amazing*.

The fourth week my spidey-sense started tingling.

Now sometimes I am totally blind to things and you need the subtlety of a brick to the head for me to notice. Other times my intuition taps me on the shoulder. This was one of those times. I was convinced something was wrong. I had that “I have fucked up somewhere” sinking feeling, but I just couldn’t place why. Perhaps I was being silly?

I don’t like having that kind of feeling and I am not afraid to challenge it. Or rather I would prefer to know if something was wrong rather than pretend it wasn’t. so I asked Byq if there was anything wrong.

There was.

Film Review: Ironman 3

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Title: Ironman 3
Language: English (sub)
Casts: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow

Review:
Dear oh dear…

If you hadn’t noticed, you might need to know that I was never a big fan of super hero films. The only thing that would keep me watch the super hero film is either sexy actor(s)/actress(es) or a good story line. For example, I watched spiderman because of Kristen Dunst, I watched Wolverine because of Hugh Jackman (obviously), and X-Men first class because the drama (and of course the cute gentleman before he went old and bald).

How about Iron Man?

I like Iron Man because of the character. Tony Stark is a bastard and as you might have known it, girls love jerks. And if I had the chance I would definitely slap him few times before I throw him in the bed, tie him and torture him even more. Rawr! But of course, since I don’t want to change this blog into a journal of my sexual fantasies, it would be better to start reviewing the film.

Honestly.

If it wasn’t because of the character, the story is a little bit sad.

Remember the downfall of spiderman? Where our super hero become soppy and mushy and instead of drama and action and sex, it becomes romance and romantic comedy with a splash of explosions? It came back to the formula “save the girl save the world”, only this time, with a tiny twist (even if I don’t know whether I should give credits to the obviously expected twist).

I don’t think anyone should expect anything so special about this film. However, I enjoyed watching it.

Imagine watching a very shallow chick flick, and you can enjoy without saying, thinking, or hoping anything and just let yourself to be entertained. Of course you would think of many things which could go wrong in the story, and loop hole in the plot, but that is not the point of enjoying this film. It is a film you can only watch when you want an very light entertainment you don’t have to put too much efforts to understand it.

Would I recommend this film to my readers?

That is a very tough question. I would throw the question back to you.

Do you like a light entertainment, which mean a film you don’t need to try to hard to understand the story? Do you like explosions? Do you like chick flick? Do you like Robert Downey Jr? Do you like Gwyneth Paltrow? Do you think Robert Downey Jr is sexy? Do you like assholes like Tony Stark? Are you curious about this film? Have you got bullied by your friend because you are the only one who hasn’t watched this and your life depends on the society acceptance? If your answers are mostly yes, you definitely need to see this film.

But, if you don’t like Robert Downey Jr, or explosion, or illogical story line, or stupid romance, or you want a good and inspiring and film with lots of imagination and twist. Skip this one. Especially your life and your social life isn’t in any danger if you skip this one, you wouldn’t need to spend your 2 hours and some cash to watch it in the cinema now. Or if you change your mind, you can wait until one of the TV station bought the film and show it for free for you. You wouldn’t miss much.

TNSOFT ep 16

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The stage has been set and it looked amazing. He knew it would look amazing because he had been up there many times before and after some times, they were getting better and faster in decorating the stage. In an hour or two he had to be there again to greet the audiences and play some songs to entertain them. Things he had been doing for the last few years of his life.

He sighed and smelled the bittersweet scent in the air. It was never easy to look less depressed being in a place where you had lost everything. However there was an unseen chain which tied him down to this place, so that no matter how far he went away and seek consolation he would always come back as this is the place he called home.

A bad memory is still a memory. He could not imagine how life would be for someone who has no memory. No past, nobody and practically nothing to remember. He scribbled something in the paper, a reminder that he would need to put that line on the lyrics next time he write another song. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

There were more time to daydream, and while his mind was wandering off to the past and places he went to, he suddenly remember the marketplace. Actually every time someone he did not know stopped him on the road just to greet him and tell him how beautiful the song he wrote, he always remember the marketplace. He began to appreciate the perks of being anonymous, being unknown.

It is so much different when you are in the street singing a love song, and people just passed you by. Sometimes someone would care enough to stop for three seconds and then throw a few copper coins. But you only sing when you want to, and there was no pressure nor expectation of what song to write nor to sing that day. The afternoons in the kingdom of summer marketplace is not a stage of stardom.

And today, he felt such feeling of nostalgia even more than usual. Maybe it was because the girl he saw on the crowd today looked so similar to the princess whose gold coins had bring him back to his homeland. He thought for awhile and wonder that Princess Cinnamon would have grown up like that girl in the crowd by then. But, it must be his wild imagination that made he think that he saw a princess in the crowd without any guards around her.

He wondered then, whether she could finally sing not play the banjo he gave her as a parting gift. Or whether she could finally break down the thick palace walls and like she said to him almost ten years ago that she would one day take her own adventure. He smiled bitterly.

It has been years gone by since the marketplace days. He has changed as the reality has shown him how to, and he felt sad to think that that fiery princess might have changed as well. It is more possible that she got herself married to a prince from a respectable kingdom and then become a queen with a crown prince sitting on her lap.

Yes that is more likely.

And he almost wept for that beautiful little princess when a knock on the door woke him up from the upsetting daydream.

“Mister Banjo, Sir… Are you ready?” a young man about thirty years of age came in with the eagerness of a puppy.

“Yes, Rhyme…” Banjo got up and walked to the door. The corner of his eyes caught a reflection of himself in the mirror, which showed him how life has added lots more strands of greys in his head.

The Unemployed Bybyq

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Well, actually I am not as desperate as it seemed in my title, and actually quite enjoyed my free time for now, but it reminded me how McXoem commented on my last month’s entries which consists mainly of film and book reviews. Yes, apparently I have enough time to watch and read and talk about these stuffs. I am quite happy doing it too. I just forgot to blog as much as I wanted.

If people asked me what do I do in my spare time, I would be a little bit confused. I remembered I had asked my auntie who is a housewife the same question. And I just realised the truth behind her words. There is always something to do. You wouldn’t have too much time to waste.

For me, my spare time means having more quality time with my mother. Honestly, I have never been too close to her, and never heard of her opinion until lately. And I think this is a good chance for us to fix the broken bridge and connect the gap between us, I spent my time having lunch with mum, going out and buy materials with her, and also talk to her. I also do lots of stuffs with my sister. I realised completely that maybe I don’t have much time with them anymore.

Now I know why people are so emotional about leaving home. LOL.

And yes, I am unemployed right now. All I do now is helping my mother in her company and my sister setting up her business. I think I do better behind the scene. And I am still writing. Not sure what I am going to do with these writing, but I hope I could make something out of it.

Talking about writing, I have got an invitation for a walk in interview for a blogger job. It was a really good opportunity. Shame I have to pass it because of the location problem. It is located in Jakarta and they prefer someone who lives there. I am not sure if I could get better opportunity than that, but I have to think forward that I might not be able to stay in Indonesia for long. Might have to find a job that I can do remotely, from anywhere so location wouldn’t be a problem then.

Now I remember something bittersweet.

I think this  is the first time I feel that my mother actually support me in a writing job. She used to think that writing job is a nonsense job, and always think that nobody can be successful from writing. Yesterday when she heard that I didn’t get the job because I had to pass the interview she felt sorry for that and started to tell me that I should try to apply to similar job but ones that I could do online.

It is of course a good change, I just hope it is not too late.

Darn. Why am I so bitter? *Slap myself hard*

Anyway!

Mum is a bit worried that I haven’t done enough things in a day, so she wanted me to take some courses. Not a bad idea, but I am not sure what kind of course I would want to do. I, of course, want something with certificate so I can put it in my resume or something, but I don’t think many of the courses in Solo is internationally certified. So never mind that, I would have something that I can use for my own.

After all, taking courses might help me to distract myself from another 38 days before Mr. Fix-It arrival to Indonesia. Have I told you guys that he is going to visit Indonesia to meet my parents to propose?

Yes, he is going to do it in Asian way. Ha ha!

Letters From Home: About Deaths

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Death is always a very unsettling topic. Handling it is not easy. And what’s worst from death is not the death itself, it is what’s left behind.

Just few weeks ago the mother of one of my friends, who happened to be my ex when I was in high school has passed away because of her cervical cancer. I went to the funeral home just because I was at Jakarta at that time. In a way, I was the representation of his friends in Solo.

When I met him in person, after years, I couldn’t really say lots of things. I could not come and tell him how I was sorry for his loss. I could not drag him to the thought of losing someone so close to him by keep talking about it. I don’t know if he wanted to talk about it, but if the position was reversed, talking about the loss is the last thing I would want to talk about. So I just talk about the other stuffs. About his daughter, his wife, his work, and about everything else. About me.

It is like giving random things for him to think about.

When my father got hospitalised about a month ago, people asked me about everything about my dad and his heart. It is nice to show a bit of sympathy, but could you just give me a break? I mean, if I could think of something like that, I believe it would be refreshing for my friend that someone come to the funeral home and talk to him not with pity but with a mere friendship? Would it be great if someone look him in the eye and let it unspoken, that he could talk to us anytime he wanted and we wouldn’t make him do it just because we need to feed our curiosity of how and when and why.

That is for the family.

This afternoon I have got a message from a friend I haven’t talk for ages. She used to be in our circle until she got an overly attached boyfriend who wouldn’t let her have her friends, and then she’s out. Apart from the facts that she used to go to the same primary school with me, I don’t really fancy to be associated with her. But anyway… She sent me a message to let me know that one of our childhood friend has passed away.

Apparently, she gave me her new name after she got married. I only knew this woman’s maiden name. A name that I knew very well when I was so much younger than today.

How close I was to the deceased? I couldn’t really say, but I used to have play date with her and some other friends, and we used to be a little circle when we were in primary school. But girls grew up at different speed and I was a quite late bloomer so I didn’t have the chance she’s got when we were teenagers. Not that I regret that, but because of that we were separated in different clicks. I haven’t seen her since she left the school in 2001 or 2002, and haven’t talked to her even longer than that.

I guess we have forgotten each other.

I forgot about her.

Until today.

And I quickly learned that apparently she has already got married with two kids now. And it is the spot in her lungs which killed her in the end. She is young and beautiful, and even with mistakes she had done when she was young, she has live a life, and she was probably happy.

Isn’t life a little bit dark, if you think about it?

Death is always unsettling. However, most of the time it is unsettling only for us who’s still alive. Funny that for the deceased, the game is over and we are struggling to make sure we have as much lives as we could have. Not knowing that probably there’s a glitch which could kill us in an instant. Now. Or maybe now.

Haha…

Anyway… Rest in Peace, and I hope the family is alright and move on.

 

Saying NO

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Saying “no” is never easy. Especially if you have to reject someone close to you, and you know your refusal would actually hurt them a little. But sometimes, for a greater good, saying “no” is needed.

It is not that I wanted to defend what I have done, but I believe with my decision and I will stick to it. This is not a consolation either. I just want to share, because although I feel that I am doing something right, I feel a little bit sad that I have upset someone. So, let me just rant…

It is quite well known that I love dogs. I grew up with dogs around me and I love dogs, and I would love to have one once I have my own house. And for few years now, my mum and my sister are having their own kennel for small dogs. We have this little timid chihuahua, Barbie; the fiery Yorkshire Terrier, Miki, the beady eyed toy red poodle, Cherry and her son Billy, and the two you have known few years ago Berry and Caca. So, this month, our family has grown even bigger…

Berry and Miki have given birth, and added 4 more cute puppies in our kennel. We welcome Chika, Demi, Domi, and Donat.

Maybe, part of it is my fault. I kept posting cute pictures of Chika on my facebook page and it of course attracted some unwanted attention. I understand now why facebook is supposed to be used only by adults… you don’t know that there are always predators lurking on the accounts and perving over your little ones. However, you can’t blame mothers for being proud of their cuties enough to make them break the rules of privacy and post their kids’s pictures on their walls. The exact same feeling I have about my puppies.

Yes, apparently my cute little Chika has got her own fans, and one of them contacted me to ask if she can BUY my Chika. Actually… buy is a really sensitive word. I don’t SELL puppies. People gave us dowry for taking away our kids to their house, after giving us a good assurance that they will take care of our puppies like they protected their own soul. They gave us compensation of our broken hearts, and not BUYING puppies. Go buy puppies from petshop, we don’t sell puppies here…

And actually, I have known this girl for quite sometimes. She is a good person, and know her personally that she is a lovable character. However, I know enough about her attitude and how serious she could be about being responsible of something. And it is not good.

I have seen her having a puppy before. This little puppy is now end up being caged almost all the time and only play with her when she has time and remember to take her out to play. I don’t want Chika end up like that.

I realised by then why fathers are very protective and picky about who will marry their daughter. It is almost impossible to let go someone so dear to us knowing that they will end up in a hand of a crazy bastard who would never see the goodness in these beautiful soul. I am not giving away Chika unless I know that they will love her like our family does her.

Anyway,

I am still feeling bad. Have told Mr. Fix-It about what I have done and he is totally backing me up with my decision. Hopefully, my dear friend would understand and probably prove me wrong and maybe one day when I have another puppy I would allow her adopt them.

This is Chika’s photo

Yawning Chika