Of course I had to cut right there. I would need to build some suspense before I finally give up the rest of the letter. However this time I don’t need to write too much introduction. Here’s the last part of the letter:
The “thing” is a personal and private issue, and unless she has mentioned it in this blog, I am certainly not going to say anything about it. I will say that “it” wasn’t any fault of mine, and she felt horrible about the issue.
It meant, understandably, that she couldn’t continue our relationship. That it wouldn’t be fair on either of us. So, over a bottle of wine and lots of tears Byq broke it off.
Im fairly sure that with all the information I had, Byq probably thought that I would slam the door on her face and tell her how awful she had been and how much she hurt me.. all that *drama*. Thing is that I totally understood and sympathised with her situation and I sure as hell wasn’t going to add to her misery by “punishing” her. Fuck that! Besides, she really, really needed a friend. Do you know what I admired most about byq at that time? Her complete and transparent honesty. Technically the things she said *should* have made a sudden ex hostile, or distant. I think some part of her wanted me to hate and punish her. To give her the pain that she thought she gave me. I don’t do things like that…anyway… she told me straight. She was totally honest and she told me how (miserable) she felt. For that I had nothing but admiration and respect…..
I had assumed at the beginning that we would be friends, and that is where I found myself. In many ways that was not “second best” because being friends with Byq is wonderful. I think it was around that time when I told her that she was worth waiting for, and I will continue with the friendship, with no pressure, and wait in case she changed her mind.
We still spent evenings and most nights together. We still chatted about stuff and I listened to the things that were upsetting byq. It was a strange relationship in some ways because we were not “together”, but we held on to each other. I offered friendship and kindness and accepted whatever byq felt she could reciprocate.
Even then I loved her.
I was no doormat though. Even though I loved her I understood clearly the situation. I understood that “more than friends” would not happen. I even told myself not to … say things.. when she stayed overnight. I failed utterly at that side of things. Byq is a tempting drug both intellectually and physically. The love I had for her was tempered and shielded by the fact that she could not reciprocate in good faith. We both understood this.
Life went on… we saw each other regularly. I resisted her efforts to discourage me from passively waiting. Not only is byq worth waiting for, I (possibly arrogantly) knew that she still needed a friend – someone who was there for her no matter what. Someone who would not make demands. Someone to pick her up when she gets low.
Life went on… and a subtle change started. Im fairly sure that my spidey sense noticed it way before anything was said, but still I did not hope or push the matter. I still cared deeply for byq and cared what happens to her – with or without me. I still loved her. She began to slowly change. Become more confident,.. happier, I guess. I knew what she was feeling when she sometimes started to feel uncomfortable around me. Dare I hope??
The night when she told me she had something to say… I had to promise to forget what she was going to utter. I had to promise not to remind her. I agreed. There was a long silence then… those three words that made my heart skip a few beats. Three words mumbled so quickly. I couldn’t hear the words themselves but the sound and cadence.. it could only have been…. “I love you”
There you go. That is the beginnings of byq and mr fixit.
It may seem very very odd but I am glad that it happened that way.
Ill tell you why…
Because we had time to get to know each other. We had time to get closer to each other. Because even through the heartaches and confusion and the denials we *still* gravitated towards each other. We grew fonder over time and the initial bond we had grown stronger and stronger.
And now I simply want her in my life… or rather, I want to share a life with her. She completes me and strengthens in so many ways I didn’t know possible. We both seem to connect on many levels (pretty good going considering the cultural differences and the fact that I am considered “a bit odd” by most “sheeple”) I love her and that is a fundamental fact. Something I couldn’t change even if I wanted to.
Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t display our romance in the public space just because I want to rub it in everyone’s face about how things went in my life. And even though you might have read what he said about me, please do keep in mind that I am not THAT emotional, and you might have known it after years following my blog.
I just think this is one of many ways I could thank him for being there for me, and to finally introduce him properly rather than keeping him in the dark. After all, I have nothing to hide.