Yesterday’s post inspired me to write this entry. I am so amazed that I could inspire myself to write. I must be THAT inspiring.
And no, I don’t have narcissistic disorder, so can we just move on to the topic I wanted to talk about? Yes we can.
Yesterday’s entry made me realise that after some times, I have lost few friendship with some people whom I used to be close with. I can mention some names, but I don’t think it is fair because I barely revealed my own name in this blog and now I spill out other people’s name. That’s not cool. However, I can THINK of many names that used to spend hours with me chatting about stuffs, and shared their secrets with me and then it stopped. For one or so many reasons.
Some simply because we grew apart. In high school, they went after boys, and I went after academic score. In university, they went after friendship, job and shopping, and I went after cigarettes, alcohol and online gaming (hey! No judging!!). And probably one of the biggest reason I lost some of my friend was because of si Onyed.
Not that I regret losing them as a friend because I am cool about it. But if I could have turned back the time, would I do the same?
Coming out is a big word for some people. Some believe that coming out is a must, because it means a total acceptance for some people whose opinion we care about. Some believe that it is definitely optional, because the only acceptance you need is from yourself and you don’t have to prove anything to anyone else. And fair enough.
But honestly, (and this would only happen once in my history of blogging), I should admit that I was careless and arrogant. And why is that? Was I blinded by love and thought that I could do anything just because I have my partner beside me? Apparently I was.
I thought just because I had the right to come out and tell the world, I could do that and fuck everybody else’s opinion. This is the attitude that some of the young unstable teens have, me against the world kind of behaviour. They would say that this is me and nothing you can do about it, and fuck you and your opinion and if you cannot accept me the way I am then you’re out of my life. That kind of attitude. I wanted them to respect my decision of having a girlfriend, but I did not think of what they feel and how they would accept it.
Again, I said I was young, careless, unwise and arrogant.
The conversation I had with Stef in our first meeting reminded me so much about that. She told me that the reason why they did not come out to their friends and family was because there would be so much collateral damage. They were the mature kind of couple who had this social responsibility to hold their tongue and be happy just by living with self acceptance. Would that be nice if I thought of things like that before I decided to announce to the world about who I was sleeping with?
The things is, the damages I have caused are irreversible. My parents would always be scarred with the knowledge that her daughter is playing both side. And for what cause? It is not that I did that for a greater good, it’s not that I did that because I had clear vision about what I was going to do in the future with my partner at that time. I did that because I could.
I was not stupid enough to know that the relationship could not go any further. I was not stupid enough to understand that living abroad was the only option and that option would not be viable as long as I was with si Onyed. However, I insisted to announced it to the world and caused the huge destruction which until now has not yet been restored. One of those was my lost friendship.
I am not saying that I haven’t seen the bright side of being open and come out to the world about who I actually am. But yes there is a price to pay, and although there is no regret of what’s happened in the past, if I could turn back the time I might have done it in a little bit different way.
Just a bit.