Settle Down, But Don’t Settle For Less


“I want to settle down. I am tired with all this courtship and dating and getting to know new people and trying and failing. I want to settle down, so I will work it out with her, I will make it work…”

I have heard this a lot from my friends.

Just a few days ago, one of my dearest friends called me. I don’t usually pick up phone calls from friends, because I don’t really fancy talking on phone. It is the kind of activity that halt other activities because you could not really multi-task with phone calls. However, this time, it was a bit of an emergency, so I picked up the phone and she started talking.

She is probably the first lesbian friend, outside my relationship with si Onyed that I know of. So I have followed her romance drama since years ago, and apparently it hasn’t stopped yet. I thought finally she could find someone who would be “the one”, because this new girl seemed a little less intimidating than the rest she had before, but unfortunately she came with a whole lot of baggage that I don’t think my friend deserve to handle.

I will try to make the story short. Basically this girl is a bisexual and she said to my friend that she has a feeling to a boy. And she has a dream that one day she would get married to this boy and has a family, but when that happened she still want to hook up with my friend on the side.

Trust me that this is the actual word she said, and I did not try to exaggerate. I don’t need to.

I believe that this is what made a lot of people has a negative concept of a bisexual girl. But this discussion needs to be elaborated in another chance, because now I want to talk about what my friend thinks about this matter.

Normally, we would reject that idea immediately. Who wants to be on the side? However, for my friend, this is something she needs to consider.

She believes that a lesbian relationship is next to impossible, so while there is someone who wants her, she would take it anyway. She thinks, since she has known this girl for a while and understand that this girl actually cares about her, it might worth all the heartache to be with this person. She believes that maybe, because she has been in the same situation for three consecutive times with three different bisexuals, it is her destiny to be just someone on the side.

She believes that because she has feel comfortable living with her, knowing her daily lives, and has come to mutual understanding about stuffs… it is easier to settle down than to find another girl better than this one.

I couldn’t believe what she said.

I couldn’t believe how low she saw herself. I couldn’t believe that a successful architect who has worked on a lot of great projects in Bali could not find a girl better than that. I couldn’t believe that a good looking butch like her, with a lively personality and a good attitude like her could not find a better person than a girl who openly want to cheat. I seriously doubt that. But that’s what she believes.

There is a difference between determination and desperation, and sometimes the difference is unnoticeable.

I always give a “go ahead”, if any of my friends asked me if they should settle down. I thought settling down is a matter of being ready to let go some of the fun to get more of stability, but settling for less is a whole different kind of story. Settling for less is the broken self concept affecting your attitude to yourself. I might have talk about this before on my previous post, but people do accept love that they think they deserve (I got the reference from “The Perks of Being A Wallflower”)



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