It’s been awkward.
Yes. Awkward was one of the best words I could use to describe the dynamics of the house lately.
I have to be honest. Living in the same house after months of living separated is not easy at all. I did not have time to adapt, I did not have time to settle. I am sleep deprived and I could not stay in bed as long as I would expect myself to do. And, sleeping in the couch feels so much comfier than sleeping in the warm bedroom, under warm blanket, with him. It feels that there were so much more space for me to sleep in the sofa than sharing a queen size bed with someone that I love.
I flinched when he poked me when he was talking to me. I shuddered when he try to be romantic. I don’t feel as if I am being in a normal situation. As if he is now trying too hard to please me, or tip toeing around just to make sure of my comfort. Of course in a way it is nice, but it makes me feel like a guest in his house.
I of course has raised this concern up to him and he knew this. But it is not something that could change overnight.
I don’t know how to make myself feel home in this house. I don’t know how to get my control of things around this place. I don’t like confronting him over and over again over something that he is used to do, like how he would wash the dishes or where he would store his clothes. Should I change what has been going on in this house over decades. How could I do that?
He couldn’t understand this concern, of course. He said that he doesn’t have a massive attachment to this house and whatever happened in this house, but I know that it was only half truth. He couldn’t manage to throw away all those chipped plates that I have been meaning to chuck away since ages ago, and we still have some rusty pans and pots, and tons of expired stuffs in the larder. How could I believe that he is not a hoarder?
The situation, of course makes me a little bit stressed out. I am in the middle of wedding preparation and this is not yet solved. Am I doing the right thing right now? I really hope so 😦