I felt horrible last night.
It was okay in the morning. I could function although I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable, but then… It got worse.
I’ve been thinking about Chika a lot lately. Since yesterday was her birthday, I thought of her even more. Watching Castle could not distract me from the thought that if she had not died, she would have been 2 years old yesterday. The thought just ate me up from inside and I felt horrible.
By the time Mr. Fix-It was home, I was a complete useless lump of sadness.
All I wanted to do was sleep, and I started to have an imaginary headache. I mean, I was not sure if I had headache, but I was kind of hoping that it was my head that was hurting, and not anything else. So I asked if he got painkillers, and he gave me some — after making sure I ate something for dinner. I could only manage two slices of toasts but that was better than nothing at all.
He asked me if I would like to go out and get some fresh air. I was going to — I had gotten myself ready to go, and stepped outside and suddenly, I did not want to do it any more. So I just went back in and curled up in the sofa. I was no longer functioning by then. Mr. Fix-it went to get some milk from the shop, and asked me if I wanted something from there.
It made me even more upset.
I know that all he wanted to do was to make me feel better. However, at that moment, there was nothing I could think of, that could lift up that sudden sadness attack. I felt like I was in the edge of breaking down, and my husband was there holding me to make sure I would not just bury myself down there.
So when he got home, I just started rambling about nonsense, and cried, and rambled some more. And, curled up in his lap and let him take some of the burden away.
In a second I thought…
Wow this is amazing…
I thought… Wow, he is actually a man-size emotional painkiller.
And then I thought, one day I would be able to talk about Chika without turning on the waterworks. One day, I might even have another puppy.
Today is not that day…