I felt horrible last night.

It was okay in the morning. I could function although I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable, but then… It got worse.


Chika and I.

I’ve been thinking about Chika a lot lately. Since yesterday was her birthday, I thought of her even more. Watching Castle could not distract me from the thought that if she had not died, she would have been 2 years old yesterday. The thought just ate me up from inside and I felt horrible.

By the time Mr. Fix-It was home, I was a complete useless lump of sadness.

All I wanted to do was sleep, and I started to have an imaginary headache. I mean, I was not sure if I had headache, but I was kind of hoping that it was my head that was hurting, and not anything else. So I asked if he got painkillers, and he gave me some — after making sure I ate something for dinner. I could only manage two slices of toasts but that was better than nothing at all.


Curious little girl

He asked me if I would like to go out and get some fresh air. I was going to — I had gotten myself ready to go, and stepped outside and suddenly, I did not want to do it any more. So I just went back in and curled up in the sofa. I was no longer functioning by then. Mr. Fix-it went to get some milk from the shop, and asked me if I wanted something from there.

It made me even more upset.

I know that all he wanted to do was to make me feel better. However, at that moment, there was nothing I could think of, that could lift up that sudden sadness attack. I felt like I was in the edge of breaking down, and my husband was there holding me to make sure I would not just bury myself down there.

So when he got home, I just started rambling about nonsense, and cried, and rambled some more. And, curled up in his lap and let him take some of the burden away.

In a second I thought…

Wow this is amazing…

I thought… Wow, he is actually a man-size emotional painkiller.

And then I thought, one day I would be able to talk about Chika without turning on the waterworks. One day, I might even have another puppy.

Today is not that day…


4 month old Chika, driving to the vet to get registration tattoo




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