I have not been feeling well lately. I have been questioning what I the hell I was doing with my life? Where was the plan go? Why am I here?
It drove me nuts because I did not know the answers.
When I went to the UK three years ago, I went with a plan. I would acquire my degree, and come back to Indonesia to teach, and then go for doctoral degree so that I could apply for a job in UNESCO. That’s what I wanted. That’s the route that I planned. That’s the destination. I had a clear view. I had full control of what I was doing.
Staying in the UK was not my plan. Getting married was never on my list. And then, the skill set I prepared to use to teach in Indonesia, is not needed in this country. What should I do?
I don’t like not doing anything like this. Some people would argue that this might be “the dream” for some women: having a husband who is incredibly understanding with a steady income, a nice place to live, and not having to do anything during the day. But, what kind of life is that?
I started to question my decisions. I started to doubt my destination.
The problem is, I am no longer having the clear vision of how I would live my life any more.
Mr. Fix-It always worried that I might regret my decision of getting married to him. Am I?
Funnily enough, that is probably the only question that I could answer without a slightest moment of doubt. I never regret getting married to my husband. I think it is a great decision.
My problem is, since I have never planned to get married… uhm..
It is like going for a road trip. You turn on your GPS. You set your destination. And, every time you make a detour, or using different route than one the system has designed for you, your little gadget would reroute it for you.
Being married is as if I am going to an unmapped land, and this incredible detour has made me completely out of track and my life GPS could not find the way back to the original route. And I do not like feeling lost, even if I am in a beautiful wonderland. I need to know where am I in my life journey.
Talking about this with my husband did help… So I decided to reboot my GPS, so I could reroute my journey.
I am now applying for volunteering jobs. Of course it is probably not what I want to do in life, but I think it is one baby step that take me away from the “doingnothingness”.
Oh well… PMS certainly does not help.