Category Archives: Dear Byq

Hi!!

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I think it is time to talk about something lighter and happier than what I have been doing for the last few entries. Let’s do it differently this time, shall we? Yes we shall…

So… Happy place…

My blog is my happy place. Not all the time, but I find that writing makes me happy. So, I was so flattered when my sister told me that one of her best friends — let’s call her B, is — after all these years, still following my blog. I don’t know how she did it, but I am so happy that at least I know I have ONE loyal supporter out there. It does make writing worthwhile, you know? Knowing that someone out there actually read what you are writing.

It makes me feel a little bit cheesed off at the same time, knowing that my sister couldn’t be bothered to read it lol. But well, that’s okay. More room for me to talk about them without having to think of what they are going to think about me. Yay!

Anyway, if B, my sister’s best friend is reading this, I would like to use this opportunity to say hi to you. I haven’t seen you in years. How are you now? I hope you are well… My sister said that you are now working in an online industry. Wow I am soooo jealous. I thought you are going to start your own little online craft shop? When you set it up, please let me know so that I could write about it more 😀

And yes, you are right to be upset with her for not keeping in contact with you. Tell her off some more! She deserves it. No. Seriously.

Anyway, thank you for keeping up with this blog. When I visit Jakarta, let’s have dinner together, shall we? Of course I can totally understand if you don’t want to. I don’t want to come across as stalker or anything. Haha… well.. I shall finish writing now, but I wish you a nice day. And take care 🙂

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Inspiration…

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This afternoon I saw something quite surprising on my Facebook news feed. One of my high school friends posted a note, with a photo collage of her and her new look. She apparently has shaven her head clean.

No she was not ill.

She was just doing something for herself, and for a moment I felt like there were millions of confused butterflies swarming the inside of my stomach.

Bitch.

I thought, I always wanted to do that. I thought that was one of the things I would like to do before I die. Seeing her without hair makes me feel like a loser for not being able to do what she could, despite of having planned the act for years. I thought she was so brave and I was incredibly jealous.

But then, admitting defeat, I suppose it was only appropriate if I give her my respect. I mean, I might not be the bravest person in the world, but I still knew how to put my respect to one who deserve it. After all she looks wonderful with her new Bald and Bold look.

To my surprise, she told me that apparently it was me who inspired her to do what she did. It was my bucket list that gave her the courage to do hers. And I was not ready for that…

I was speechless. I couldn’t believe it.

It was probably one of the most wonderful thing I have ever heard from a friend for a very long time. It was probably one of the sweetest thing that I have ever received from someone. It obviously has lifted my mood that has been so low for the last few months.

If only she knew how much it means to me to know that I am not that useless. If only she knew how powerful her compliment to me was.

So I thanked her. Not only for her kindness, but also that she has become my inspiration in return. However, thanking her on facebook is not enough, I believe. I want to thank her again here — a place that is personal for me.

 

Letters From Home: Don’t Stop Writing

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Hey, you know what?

I have received one of the most heart warming letter that I have received for my whole blogging life. I would not post the whole letter in this blog, because there are so many personal things in the letter, but I will tell you the story and why the letter was very important for me.

Few weeks ago, out of boredom I set up a Goodreads account (feel free to add me or to see my book list). From one and many ways, I ended up knowing that one of my old friends has an account there as well. She was a friend of mine when I was studying in high school and was kind of close. It is the kind of closeness an introvert could understand, you know? We don’t really speak that much, but when we talk it is THE important stuff.

I was not surprised that she was there. I know that she was an avid reader and she did read a lot, even more than I did when we were in high school. She was one of the regular in the library.

Some times after that, she sent me a message on Facebook. How bizarre, I thought. I never expected her to initiate a contact with me, mainly because there was nothing big in my life (I can understand that some people start contacting me after I got engaged, because there are something to talk about). But then again, it is something that only introverts could fathom. So I was quite happy to reply to her message.

A short message became a long elaborate story about how time has passed us by. Maybe she packed her good 10 years (since we graduated high school until now), into words. She did it very well, of course, as she was, and is an excellent writer herself. I think it is also good for her to be able to let it out of her system what she wanted to say but could not because of the situation she’s been through. I am quite proud to be someone that shared her story *smug*

In between her stories she also told me that she read my blog. Oh how that has given me the fluttering feeling inside my tummy. I almost forgot about that thrill that has push me to keep writing and improve my writing skill. And she reminded me.

She reminded me why I write. She reminded me that even if I couldn’t change the world with my writing, I could deliver something which is important to few people who read my work. She reminded me the joy of writing, and the pride of an author when she told me about my years writing a short love story in the class for my classmates to read. And I have to admit, I miss it.

In the end of the letter she asked me a favour. She asked me not to stop writing.

My first thought was: why the hell I want to stop writing? I love writing. But then I realised that “love writing” is not the same with “keep writing”. I have been lazy. I haven’t improved since ages ago. My vocabulary stuck in the intermediate level. My grammar is messy. And the worst of all is the realisation that I have not finished a single story since 2007. It’s been seven years.

I think I forgot to thank her for what she has done, and for her beautiful letter. I hope she is still reading my blog so I could thank her in public, so that people would know how important her letter was for me. How it has encouraged me to try again, and to write better than her 😉

Okay…

Now, gleeks could start playing the “don’t stop believing” tune, but please let me get out from this room first…

Cheers…

When It Takes You More Than Five Seconds…

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Whenever I saw Si Onyed buzzed me on my Whatsapp messenger, and started the conversation with, “Sis, I need to talk to you about something”, I know where the conversation would go. Of course I wouldn’t just cut her before she said anything but I was always ready with the same reply. Not necessarily an answer, because she hates to be answered with a question, but a question for her to find out her own answer. If that makes sense?

Almost every time she came to me and talked about how complicated her relationship with someone, I would ask her if she was happy. I think that is only fair because I was not the one who should decide whether she was happy or not, although I always thought she was not enjoying her relationship based on her ranting frequency alone. So last night when she started this again, I asked her once more:

“Are you happy?”

“I am tired of being asked if I was happy or not. I am not sure whether I was happy or not, because I think it is 50:50.”

Honestly, I have never heard anyone who’s happy and satisfied with their relationship would answer that way. I use the method to myself whenever I was in any troubled times in my own relationship. I have five second rule…

Not THAT five second rule…

But as for me, if anyone took more than five seconds to decide if they are happy or not with the relationship, it means they are not happy. Why? Because they are considering their unhappiness in the answer but unwilling to disclose the fact that they are not satisfied with the relationship, so they would think and come up with answers like what Onyed always did.

It goes like this:

“Are you happy?”

6 seconds later… An unsure expression and eye contacts avoidance…

“I am happy, but we are not in the best state right now”

“It is a bit complicated but I am happy…”

“You know relationship is not that simple. I am happy but things need working out…”

“Well it depends on how you look at it, but there are times I am happy with the situation…”

“I am happy that I am still with him/her, but it is a bit tiring sometimes…”

I’ve been there, and done that. Times when I thought being happy four days a week and depressed the other three days is considered as a happy relationship because you have more happy days compared to the not happy ones. How could someone live that bullshit?

I have been through many stressful relationship and I am enjoying the day when a relationship is drama free. Now I know the difference of living a happy relationship and going through a denial while hoping that things would change and for once I could be happy for real. People got a bit blinded sometimes, by love, or by pride… but blinded nevertheless.

And admitting the unhappiness could make the unhappiness feels more real, more vivid, and most of the time people wouldn’t want to do that. It is so much easier to build the perfect imagination and living it as if it was real, than living the reality itself.

Well… If my relationship with Si Onyed has been through a different dynamics, I might just tell her to walk off from the unhappy relationships. But the fact that we were once in a romantic relationship, that could be a bit in a dangerous zone, no matter how it has changed now. Some people could not see a good deed beyond the relationship history, so I should leave it like that.

In the end, I always wish her the best.

She is no longer a child now. It has been more than seven years since I first knew her, and has been intensely close to her since. She is a part of my life, and so I hope she could live the life she always wanted. But I could only help her so far, she would need to walk alone one day, and thinking of that makes me feel a little bit melancholic.

I’ve been blabbering, haven’t I? Oh dear… Should stop it right here, should I?

Cheers…`~

How About The Other Blogs?

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As you might have noticed, I have added two more links on the sidebar which would direct you to my other two blogs. One might wonder why I have made more and more blogs and haven’t updated them as often as this one. One might questioned my motives, and probably my commitment to this blog. I’ll explain.

If you have got the time and maybe care enough to take a look to those blog and read them, you might realise that those blogs are already segmented. Heavily segmented. I realised that as much as I would like this blog to be more “out there”, the topic in this blog is too cluttered and also too personal. I am not saying that it is a diary, because it is not just a place for me to take a note of where I have been or what I have done. It is also a long journal about my transformation as a human.

However, the other blogs are not personal.

Not THAT personal.

It has the opportunity to go further.

I have got so inspired by Bedjo, my fellow blogger, who has started his own culinary blog while keeping his personal blog. I think that is awesome because not only he could maintain his personal journal to record his life adventure, he’s also making a great project of introducing Indonesian food to the world (in German). You could click Bedjo’s blog’s link on my sidebar, and you’ll get it.

It took me awhile to ask myself, what I like the most. What is my interest. What do I want to write, and what do I care to write about. What is my cause. I started to record my conversation with my friends and family and found a pattern of what kind of conversation enthuse me. There are a lot, so I started with two.

One is the talk about the situation in Indonesia, and the other is about the health and beauty. Of course I am not an expert about it, but I wasn’t an expert about food when I was working for the culinary website few years ago. Sometimes all you need to start something is not expertise but enthusiasm and interests which could push you to go further. I’ll learn by doing and I have started something. And that makes me feel happy.

In the end, I am not trying to promote nor hard sell my blogs. However, if you do have some times and care enough to read, please visit my other blogs and let me know what you think about it. I could do with some input to make my new blog better.

Thank you  ^__^

Blogging Friends

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There are a lot of things that are not so easy for me to explain to my parents. One of them is the concept of friendship I have, and the fact that I have many friends that I have never seen in the real world. I think it is weird for them that someone could trust anyone that could never reveal their real identity, and can only make friends from the internet. And I wouldn’t blame them, since they were not born and raised in this era.

We have adapted the technology of communication so fast so that we started to be an expert” in telling “how much truth” and “how genuine” someone is just from the way they write about themselves and their life. We can give a degree of trust to people we only know from their thoughts and their point of view. Friendship then becomes something that goes beyond the physical plane.

I remembered that Princess AK in her blog said that she could only shared a certain aspects of herself to her friends in the real life and more to the friends she knew more from the virtual world (See? You inspired me too). I think her experience is everybody’s experience. Some people are not too outspoken and raised their opinion especially in a delicate subjects of discussions (like me). Some people chose to avoid confrontation (ike me). Some people chose to speak out their mind anonymously and enjoy the anonymity while interacting with people with the same minds.

Then from these interactions, we started to gain friends. It is the kind of friendship which was started from a common interest. A common idea. A common thought. A common belief perhaps. It is the kind of friendship which was based from the acceptance to things that we think could never be accepted in the real world. And then, we started to think… if these people could accept my most deviant thoughts, there should not be any problem for them to accept the best part of me too.

And this is what makes it difficult to explain to others why I would love to invite my blogging friends, whom I have never seen in the real life to my reception (if there’s any). I think my readers, my blogging friends, are those who have shared the most p art of my life, compared to some friends who came and went, and probably ran away without looking back after they knew few sides of me which did not fit their expectation about me.

I remember that many of my blogging friends have given me the support when times were rough. I remember I did the same for them not only to return the favour, but because I really care about their lives. I gained so much from my friendship in this blogging world. Not only I gained networks and contacts, I have gained experiences, and knowledges. And these are things that you probably could not get from those you have known even for your whole life.

Maybe next time, if my mother asked me again why I wanted to invite people that I know online to my reception, I could just answer: “because they have become a part of my life too”:)

The Ghost

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“Byq, my cousin said that there is a guy wanted to get to know me better,” said a friend of mine.

“Well,” I said, “go for it.”

“I am still too traumatic to start,” she replied.

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Actually, this is not the first time someone told me that they were so traumatic to start over a relationship after a nasty break up. In this last case, my friend was almost got married to this man, when her father decided that the suitor was not coming from a good enough family and they broke up. Well… I will not talk about the break up because for me no matter how silly it was, it’s been done and nothing anyone could do to reverse the action.

I am going to talk about the ghost.

The Ghost is the term I always used to talk about the past. I had my own ghost so did everybody else. Some people met their ghost and let go and some could not get over with this ghost. Having the ghost with you means no matter where you go, the ghost will follow you, and you will always live in fear. Of meeting the ghost again. In a different shape.

My friend said it is the trauma.

It is not an easy matter for me to understand that different people has different coping mechanism. Some does well post break up, some needs a nasty and dramatic session so that they can let go, some needs the assurance of starting over before letting go the past. Some just clinging on the memory that made them who they are today.

Maybe, from other’s point of view, I am a bit cold hearted because I could just move on. However, for me personally, moving on is just a matter of choosing to see the future instead of keep looking back in anger (Yes, I HAVE TO refer to OASIS song).

That is why, when my friend told me that she wanted to get to know this man better, but she was afraid that it would not go the direction she wanted, I said to her, to understand that it was the life she was facing. Not everything goes the way we wanted it to go, and not everything is ideal. And about the broken heart, I think many people had that before. It is about the willingness to understand that clinging on the past would not do any good to her. Nor to everybody around her.

Definitely not for me since I would be the one who listen to the drama.

I think it is quite obvious that in this three years of blogging, I have experienced three major break ups. One from a 5-years relationship, and another with a very nasty separation. Of course, I could choose to weep and mourn for the death of the relationship, but I took my chance and met people. And that’s how I found Mr. Fix-It.

I am not going to make it all about myself, so I would just go to the point.

The point is no matter how awesome you are, when you put yourself in a box, nobody could see it. You can mourn, you can weep, you can feel sorry for your self and things that you’ve lost, and that’s how people would see you. Pity.

And pity seldom becomes respect, therefore those people would only be friends, never lovers.

Stop making people pitying you, and start showing what you’ve got. Stop wearing those black dresses like a widower, and start being colourful and gay, and be the person people around you adore and respect.

Good luck, and have a nice day 🙂

 

Heterophobia, Bisexuality, and Getting Straightened – Bybyq and Abmi Handayani

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**Foreword**
Few weeks ago, I sent an email to one of my favourite LGBT blogger Sinyo and asked her a favour. There was a question which had been bothering me for ages and I did not know where to ask, and she agreed to take a look at the matter and was willing to help me spreading the words. So, I sent her a letter, a short story to be exact. After sometimes, the reply came with an answer in an essay form, from a dear LGBT fellow, Abmi Handayani. Not only it has answered me, apparently it has inspired Sinyo’s readers as well. I was thinking, if only I could have done something to widespread the message to more people, that would be even greater.
So I asked Sinyo if I could re-publish it in my blog, in English (I know that content duplication is a bugger, but I hope this is not too bad for both of our blogs). However I wouldn’t copy paste the comments, but it would be great if you visit Sinyo’s blog to see the different point of views of this matter. Thank you for reading.

Bybyq’s Letter:

Two years ago, I broke up with my girlfriend for five years, then I went abroad to continue my study. There, I did not only have to adapt with the new surroundings, but also come to the realisation that I might have been a bisexual. Trust me that at that moment, being a bisexual is way scarier than being a pure lesbian.

I completely understood that a bisexual was seen as a greedy creature, who only wants to take the best of the both worlds. It was quite obvious that I have seen many of my lesbian friends have been hurt by these kind of bisexual girls. But now I am getting married. With a man.

So I had told my ex that I had a great plan of inviting all of my friends without any discrimination. I wanted to invite all of my LGBT friends, and make my wedding reception as LGBT friendly as possibls. My gay friend welcomed this gaily (yes, I have to use this word), but my ex halted her reply for a moment then came back with an unexpected question: “Don’t you think you would offend them?”. Offend who? I think my consideration of inviting everybody without exception was because I remembered that I used to be uninvited to a wedding reception because my partner was a girl. Now that I want to invite everybody, because I want everybody to be a part of this gay momentum. (Do you know that GAY means HAPPY?) Anyway, honestly at that moment I was so upset since I don’t understand who I was offending.

But then, I understood why she thought that way. It isn’t impossible that I was seen as a traitor to our own kind just because I decided to marry. Or maybe, just because I decided to marry to a man, I would no longer fight for their cause? Or maybe, they forgot there is “B” in LGBT?

This is what actually upset me. I never two timed any girl with a boy and vice versa. It’s just a coincidence that in this very moment, I am in a relationship with a man, and we decided to get married. How could this marriage hurt my LGBT friends? Thinking of this had made me very upset. I don’t understand how being invited to a wedding becomes a problem. I might understand the uncomfortableness of being asked by arseholes about “your turn to get married” but I failed to see how it offends them. Since when the fight against homophobia becomes the spreading of heterophobia?

Abmi’s Essay:

July 1999. From the south-eastern mountain in Mexico, Subcomandante Marcos from Zapatista Army of National Liberation (EZLN) delivered his statement for the 21th LGBT Prode in Mexico. The opening sentence was: “Let those who persecute be ashamed!”. This speech was not only meant to support the LGBT movement only but also to the fight to respect diversity. In one paragraph, EZLN wrote: “The different had to bear having their himanness reduced for the simple fact of not being in accord with a nonexistent sexual norm. This norm has been converted into a banner for intolerance and segregation”

The message from EZLN is an example from so many support from LGBT movement. In Facebook, I found an individual who initiated an invitation for everybody to send their care and support to LGBT with a letter. It is called S.T.R.A.I.G.H.T (Strengthen, Tough, Respectful, Affirming, Intimate, Glowing, Honourable, Trustworthy) with the tagline: “Be S.T.R.A.I.G.H.T, Be Proud”. This not only positive but it has proved that people has been more and more LGBT friendly.

This phenomena raised a question in me. Has the LGBT movement developed a hetero-friendliness in an individual or a community? Even, I wanted to bring both terminologies into a further discussion: human-friendliness.

When I told my friends that I was no longer in relationship with a woman and found a man as a life partner, they were silenced for a moment and asked, “So now you are a bisexual?”. FYI, I still receive this question every now and again if I share my relationship history. Sometimes, I just accepted the label because I was too tired to explain. But when I was in the mood, I would tell them that the label has no meaning for me. It is man-made.

However, from my point of view, my ex girlfriend and my boyfriend now are both human. And human beings are essentially the same. They eat, move, work/create to live their life. Based on the observation from me and few of my friends, this world is no longer interested in our sexual orientation.

The world cares about what we could contribute to the society, and humanity. Another example: there is a bunch of LGBT friends who has joined the green organisation predominated by the heterosexuals. Problems? Nope. Why? Because our dearest friends has obviously contributed something. They weren’t there just to hang out. They chose and lived a role to strengthen the organisation. My gay friend did not mind to be located to the remote village to help the villagers for the land rejuvenation programs so they can start farming again. My transexual friend, the chef of the program commented, “the acceptance came from love. I don’t have to go on strike or mock the heterosexuality or condemn the homophobia. With my food, I touched every tums and heart. Hihihi”

How could this be so simple? Easy answer: because there were no walls. They were friendly to everybody. They grew ten hands when there’s anybody in needs. That way, without any force the sexual norm segregation has gone. What remains there is the togetherness. Two examples above has led us to the conclusion that the way to be accepted is to be empowered. However, being empowered doesn’t mean we have to be forever a strong individuals.

Being empowered has to be equipped with the willingness to share. Being empowered is the ability to be a better and better person everyday. I admit that living as an LGBT in Indonesia is not easy. And I am sorry to say that the LGBT movement in Indonesia seems unable to go further. They need more activities other than gatherings and hangout.Why don’t they try to farm, or clean the environment from plastic. Why environmental movement? Because apparently this is the most effective movement for this moment. Not only we would carry the role to save the earth, but also the mankind who live in it with us.

In the process and practice, we would be able to realise that all of us are the same. That we felt hatred, anger, disappointment, etc. But in the same time we have the power to create happiness and peace.

Instead of living in hatred and fear, why don’t we chose to be daring and happy, peaceful and kind? After all, we would never knew what would a good relationship brings to you. There is nothing wrong with initiating a good deed, and sharing kindness and happiness. Neither to expand the relationships and networking so we can clearly see the wide world.

If we are under the umbrella of the LGBT community, we need to review our concept of tolerance. Have we contributed enough for the society that we think we have the right to insult the heterosexuals? Could it be us who had been scared for no reason. Could it be us who are too ignorant to expand our horizon and improve ourselves to be empowered. Could it be us who have been building the segregation wall so we can keep ourselves homogeneous and monocultural? Well then, why do we use the rainbow as the symbol to represent the LGBT community if in the end of the day we fortify ourselves from everything heterosexual? Haven’t we been persecuting the diversity itself by doing that?

There’s a saying that we reap what we sow. When we sow hatred, don’t expect happiness. When we sow anxiety, don’t expect sincerity. When we sow fear, don’t expect peace. However if we sow sincerity, kindness, and peace, it isn’t impossible that we can get everything. Cheers~

Abmi Handayani

Letter from Mr. Fix-It (2)

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Of course I had to cut right there. I would need to build some suspense before I finally give up the rest of the letter. However this time I don’t need to write too much introduction. Here’s the last part of the letter:

The “thing” is a personal and private issue, and unless she has mentioned it in this blog, I am certainly not going to say anything about it. I will say that “it” wasn’t any fault of mine, and she felt horrible about the issue.

It meant, understandably, that she couldn’t continue our relationship. That it wouldn’t be fair on either of us. So, over a bottle of wine and lots of tears Byq broke it off.

Im fairly sure that with all the information I had, Byq probably thought that I would slam the door on her face and tell her how awful she had been and how much she hurt me.. all that *drama*. Thing is that I totally understood and sympathised with her situation and I sure as hell wasn’t going to add to her misery by “punishing” her. Fuck that! Besides, she really, really needed a friend. Do you know what I admired most about byq at that time? Her complete and transparent honesty. Technically the things she said *should* have made a sudden ex hostile, or distant. I think some part of her wanted me to hate and punish her. To give her the pain that she thought she gave me. I don’t do things like that…anyway… she told me straight. She was totally honest and she told me how (miserable) she felt. For that I had nothing but admiration and respect…..

I had assumed at the beginning that we would be friends, and that is where I found myself. In many ways that was not “second best” because being friends with Byq is wonderful. I think it was around that time when I told her that she was worth waiting for, and I will continue with the friendship, with no pressure, and wait in case she changed her mind.

We still spent evenings and most nights together. We still chatted about stuff and I listened to the things that were upsetting byq. It was a strange relationship in some ways because we were not “together”, but we held on to each other. I offered friendship and kindness and accepted whatever byq felt she could reciprocate.

Even then I loved her.

I was no doormat though. Even though I loved her I understood clearly the situation. I understood that “more than friends” would not happen. I even told myself not to … say things.. when she stayed overnight. I failed utterly at that side of things. Byq is a tempting drug both intellectually and physically. The love I had for her was tempered and shielded by the fact that she could not reciprocate in good faith. We both understood this.

Life went on… we saw each other regularly. I resisted her efforts to discourage me from passively waiting. Not only is byq worth waiting for, I (possibly arrogantly) knew that she still needed a friend – someone who was there for her no matter what. Someone who would not make demands. Someone to pick her up when she gets low.

Life went on… and a subtle change started. Im fairly sure that my spidey sense noticed it way before anything was said, but still I did not hope or push the matter. I still cared deeply for byq and cared what happens to her – with or without me. I still loved her. She began to slowly change. Become more confident,.. happier, I guess. I knew what she was feeling when she sometimes started to feel uncomfortable around me. Dare I hope??

The night when she told me she had something to say… I had to promise to forget what she was going to utter. I had to promise not to remind her. I agreed. There was a long silence then… those three words that made my heart skip a few beats. Three words mumbled so quickly. I couldn’t hear the words themselves but the sound and cadence.. it could only have been…. “I love you”

…… um….

There you go. That is the beginnings of byq and mr fixit.

It may seem very very odd but I am glad that it happened that way.

Why?

Ill tell you why…

Because we had time to get to know each other. We had time to get closer to each other. Because even through the heartaches and confusion and the denials we *still* gravitated towards each other. We grew fonder over time and the initial bond we had grown stronger and stronger.

And now…

And now I simply want her in my life… or rather,  I want to share a life with her. She completes me and strengthens in so many ways I didn’t know possible. We both seem to connect on many levels (pretty good going considering the cultural differences and the fact that I am considered “a bit odd” by most “sheeple”) I love her and that is a fundamental fact. Something I couldn’t change even if I wanted to.

Epilogue:

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t display our romance in the public space just because I want to rub it in everyone’s face about how things went in my life. And even though you might have read what he said about me, please do keep in mind that I am not THAT emotional, and you might have known it after years following my blog.

I just think this is one of many ways I could thank him for being there for me, and to finally introduce him properly rather than keeping him in the dark. After all, I have nothing to hide.

 

A Letter From Mr. Fix It (1)

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Introduction:

I think you have heard the story of us from my point of view, and when I told Mr. Fix-It about it, I thought it would only fair if he could tell the story from his point of view as well. So I asked him to make a SHORT story about it, but I think just like me, he liked to ramble lots of stuffs, so I am so very sorry that this is not going to be a short letter like you probably would expect.

Few weeks ago, Mr. Fix-It finally sent the last draft of his letter and I took the liberty to edit some of the things he said. Of course he didn’t know that even if he is anonymous in this blog, I am not that unknown. It would be very uncomfortable to read a soppy story with too much unnecessary information. So I’d better start posting his letter before I ended up writing the whole entry myself.

So, here’s the letter:

Where do I start?

I guess by saying hello *waves* .

So yeah, I am Mr Fix-it. That amorphous guy lurking around Byq`s blogs. Byq asked if I would like to write something, so here I am…. Struggling with what to actually say and hoping desperately to sound at least vaguely interesting.

It was Byq who coined my name – Mr fix-it. Im not sure if it was insight or coincidence, but thinking about it, that kinda sums me up fairly accurately. I do tend to want to fix things – either physical things like a broken pc or emotional stuff. The irony is that I’m “good with people” and yet im socially reserved (retarded?). I see someone who is upset and my first question is “are you ok?” followed by “do you want to talk about it?”…. its almost second nature to me.  I could philosophise and say that I’m the kinda guy who at a party is in the kitchen or a quiet corner either lurking awkwardly or chatting to a lost soul.

Anyhoos… I’m happy to be Mr fix-it for Byq… I’m very very happy to be her Man, too!

But I’m getting ahead of myself… I don’t think I was fixit straight away. I will recount from my perspective how we met. Bear in mind that I have not fully read Byqyq`s blog, only the stuff she emailed to me.  I wanted to get to know her by the physical and intuitive feelings, rather than words on a page. I may cover old ground…

So… we are both on a social networking site, mainly geared towards dating). She messaged me and gave me a good rating. I checked her profile and liked what I read. I also loved her photos, two especially… I couldn’t stop looking at them.

But… almost fatally.. I thought that I will reply later when I’m feeling a bit more coherent (I work silly hours and am pretty brain dead half of the time).

Time passed and, thank god, she sent a message telling me that she had re read my profile and said I deserve a higher rating.

This time I replied.

I chat, and have chatted to a lot of people online. Sometimes a friendship happens, most times it fizzles after a few weeks or months. Chatting with Byq was different from the start. Even through text I could *feel* a connection – not a mushy one yet, but we were definitely “clicking” (urgh, I hate clichés, but this post will be full of them!). I had no hopes for romance because her profile explicitly stated “friendship only”.  Since I don’t always think with my man-bits, I was totally cool with that

After many email messages, and after establishing that we were not total psychopaths or pervs (or at least gratuitous pervs) we decided to meet for a coffee. She was going to visit her home country and I *really* wanted to meet up and say “hi” in person before she left. I don’t know why it seemed important to me (intuition?) but I asked and she accepted……

…..the meeting…

I got there super early (“there” being a sensible “public place” – internet safety, people. Remember it! Haha) and ordered coffee and started to people-watch. More coffee and more watching, I received a text from Byqy saying she is delayed. No worries, I was happy to chill.

…time passed…

..and then I saw her….

My first and lasting impression was a cute girl in a bright red coat. I had a few moments to look at her before she noticed me. Cute. Definitely cute. We said hello and….

Bugger me.. Mr “im really confident and if not I can fake it” totally lost it. I felt like a stuttering schoolboy and I desperately hoped that it didn’t show!

I cannot remember what we chatted about, but I do remember taking an instant liking to her. We warmed to each other quickly and she was wonderful company. Again, its all a bit hazy because part of me was drinking her in and the other part was trying not to say something stupid and make a tit of myself. After a while we nipped round the corner for a crafty cigarette.

So, yeah. It all happened rather fast. Since we had been.. um.. close… over the weekend I asked if she would be my girlfriend. Ha! Sounds like a schoolboy way of doing things. It was made official – changing facebook status J  – and we started being together as much as we could.

First three weeks were *amazing*.

The fourth week my spidey-sense started tingling.

Now sometimes I am totally blind to things and you need the subtlety of a brick to the head for me to notice. Other times my intuition taps me on the shoulder. This was one of those times. I was convinced something was wrong. I had that “I have fucked up somewhere” sinking feeling, but I just couldn’t place why. Perhaps I was being silly?

I don’t like having that kind of feeling and I am not afraid to challenge it. Or rather I would prefer to know if something was wrong rather than pretend it wasn’t. so I asked Byq if there was anything wrong.

There was.