Category Archives: The Playbyq

Paper Things…

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Hey…

It’s been a year!

Yes, it has been a year since I married Mr. Fix-It, and it does feel weird. I haven’t stopped feeling weird, knowing that we consciously decided to get ourselves in a serious commitment. Every night, for more than 300 days being married I still told my now husband: “can’t believe we’re married”.

And, every time he would answer: “I know. Terrible isn’t it?”

***

I don’t know how to start explaining about how marriage life is.

People, usually my acquaintance would ask me how life has changed after being married. Like before, I would say, nothing has actually changed. Maybe the legal status, marital status, and that adjustment we needed to make to fit our personalities in one house, but nothing else has changed. We still are ourselves.

We still spend times doing things that we like, sometimes together, sometimes separately. We don’t need to chaperone each other, but we would be quite happily accompany each other when needed. I am quite happily stay at home when he is out for his usual Friday Movie time with his bestfriend, and enjoy my me-time drinking beer and watching Star Trek: The Next Generation (yes, I have a thing for Data).

I would ignore his ranting, or pretend to listen and made a non committal comments (I know he does not read my blog, so I could happily admit this too) whenever it’s needed, and he could ignore me completely while playing computer games. But we would quite happy spending weekends in the pub, playing pool and drinking beer, while involuntarily making acquaintances with local patrons there.

Of course, like I said, fitting two different personalities in a house is not an easy matter.

We grew up in a totally different background. Although we shared ideas and common interests, we have lived our lives quite differently. I am used to organised, planned things. I like having things in place, small stuffs on the table, clothings in the laundry basket, dishes and cutleries washed after dinner. Mr. Fix-It had it differently. Being a single bachelor living by himself for more than 6 years might have shaped his chaotic personality. His way to decide whether or not clothings need to be washed is with sniffing test, dishes and cutleries will be washed… when there’s no clean one to use, dropping trashes outside the bin is not a big deal as once in a blue moon he would take the trash out.

That, sometimes brought me to frustration. I can’t believe someone could live a chaotic life like that and survive.

I have also changed his diet as well. Now he would have to deal with home cooking almost every day.

I cannot believe he lived off takeaways, and ready meals for years and managed to be alive. Seriously. My first few months in the UK, living off ready meals and takeaways, I decided to learn cooking because I know, my taste buds know, my whole digestive system knows, that I would not survive eating those craps. He did. I don’t know if I should be amazed or sorry.

So, I learned, not only to cook Asian food (which apparently suits his taste), but also pasta and some sweet things like biscuits and cakes. I still don’t understand the British loves to sugar, but at least I know that they like things sweet. Not a problem for me whatsoever.

One year learning each other’s behaviour. One year trying to understand each other lifestyle. One year of little and big adjustments. I think we have done it alright.

***

Anyway, I would like to say happy anniversary to my husband (although I am pretty sure he would not read this blog anyway). I would say it in person, and of course… my little paper surprise for him. Muahahaha…

Oh yeah, about that… I would tell you tomorrow.

Cultural Challenge: Sex Education for Kids

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The JIS scandal might not longer be the headlines in Indonesia’s media. However, it has left me with so many questions and contemplations. One of them is how and what younger kids nowadays know about their sexuality.

Lately I have come across one Public Service Announcement Ads from NSPCC (National Service for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children).

Our eastern culture is one of the stumbling blocks for the sex education in our country. It is the shame which comes with the talk about the private parts that makes children wouldn’t tell anyone when they were abused.

I agree with the ads, that knowing about their private parts is one way to protect them from being sexually abused by adults. But to be able to introduce them with this idea, parents would have to fight their own “taboo” and start talking.

It is not easy, of course, because we didn’t get this knowledge when we were young. We did not know because our parents did not tell us these things. It is horrible feeling, I guess, because there is no guide book about how to teach your toddler about protecting their private parts from others, without raising the unnecessary curiosity.

Being educated and coming from a better social background apparently wouldn’t help. I remember quite vividly one of our politicians, on television, told everybody in the world what he thought about sex education. He thought it was not only unnecessary to make young children aware of their sexuality, but also dangerous.

Our culture believes that sex is dangerous and shameful. Children were taught that it is dirty and disgusting, with the expectation from the parents that they would get themselves abstinent until they are over age. But with the nowadays society, that would not work. And that definitely wouldn’t help them when they were abused.

Feeling dirty and disgusting wouldn’t encourage kids to tell their parents when they were being molested, would it?

I am not an expert in child psychology, and I don’t have kids. But I know how lacking I was in this department when I was much younger than I am today. I did not know what menstruation was, and where baby comes from. It is horrible growing up with this raging curiosity. In a way, the dial up connection helped me keep my innocence until I left home and over age.

Our culture is the challenge to solve this problem. Maybe it is not my problem now, but I think my nieces and nephews should grow up equipped with this knowledge to protect them from bad people.

 

I Like…

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I like… thinking…

I like thinking of things that I like in life
The first thing come up in my mind is that I like food
It reminds me… I like snacking while watching TV shows
I like my crisps not too salty, and like cheese flavours the most
I like dipping my nachos to cheese dips

However, I am a bit picky…
I like the my sunny side runny, but I like the white crispy
I like my tea hot and unsweetened, no milk, nor other flavour in it
But I like my coffee very milky and sweet — sometimes strong coffee affects my heart beat, and keep me awake at night…

I like staying up late but being able to see the first sun light in the morning
I like reading a good book before bed
And watching a good film in silence after dinner…

I like a good dinner, sometimes with a good company
I like cooking my own good dinner…

I like cooking in general, and I would love to be able to bake as well
I like learning new stuff
I like knowing stuff
That’s why I like reading and watching film… because I can learn a lot from them.

I like fiction though. It helps my brain work in a more creative way.
I like being creative, I have spend my times doing art and craft while not working
I like crocheting, knitting, doodling, sketching, drawing patterns and painting murals
I like writing too

I like knowing that my brain is working, and being able to write something tells me that
I like writing different things
Fiction, articles, poem… Even thesis for my degrees…
I like it when I click the button, and post this to my blog

But before I do that I’d like to tell you,

I think I like you too 🙂

When It Takes You More Than Five Seconds…

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Whenever I saw Si Onyed buzzed me on my Whatsapp messenger, and started the conversation with, “Sis, I need to talk to you about something”, I know where the conversation would go. Of course I wouldn’t just cut her before she said anything but I was always ready with the same reply. Not necessarily an answer, because she hates to be answered with a question, but a question for her to find out her own answer. If that makes sense?

Almost every time she came to me and talked about how complicated her relationship with someone, I would ask her if she was happy. I think that is only fair because I was not the one who should decide whether she was happy or not, although I always thought she was not enjoying her relationship based on her ranting frequency alone. So last night when she started this again, I asked her once more:

“Are you happy?”

“I am tired of being asked if I was happy or not. I am not sure whether I was happy or not, because I think it is 50:50.”

Honestly, I have never heard anyone who’s happy and satisfied with their relationship would answer that way. I use the method to myself whenever I was in any troubled times in my own relationship. I have five second rule…

Not THAT five second rule…

But as for me, if anyone took more than five seconds to decide if they are happy or not with the relationship, it means they are not happy. Why? Because they are considering their unhappiness in the answer but unwilling to disclose the fact that they are not satisfied with the relationship, so they would think and come up with answers like what Onyed always did.

It goes like this:

“Are you happy?”

6 seconds later… An unsure expression and eye contacts avoidance…

“I am happy, but we are not in the best state right now”

“It is a bit complicated but I am happy…”

“You know relationship is not that simple. I am happy but things need working out…”

“Well it depends on how you look at it, but there are times I am happy with the situation…”

“I am happy that I am still with him/her, but it is a bit tiring sometimes…”

I’ve been there, and done that. Times when I thought being happy four days a week and depressed the other three days is considered as a happy relationship because you have more happy days compared to the not happy ones. How could someone live that bullshit?

I have been through many stressful relationship and I am enjoying the day when a relationship is drama free. Now I know the difference of living a happy relationship and going through a denial while hoping that things would change and for once I could be happy for real. People got a bit blinded sometimes, by love, or by pride… but blinded nevertheless.

And admitting the unhappiness could make the unhappiness feels more real, more vivid, and most of the time people wouldn’t want to do that. It is so much easier to build the perfect imagination and living it as if it was real, than living the reality itself.

Well… If my relationship with Si Onyed has been through a different dynamics, I might just tell her to walk off from the unhappy relationships. But the fact that we were once in a romantic relationship, that could be a bit in a dangerous zone, no matter how it has changed now. Some people could not see a good deed beyond the relationship history, so I should leave it like that.

In the end, I always wish her the best.

She is no longer a child now. It has been more than seven years since I first knew her, and has been intensely close to her since. She is a part of my life, and so I hope she could live the life she always wanted. But I could only help her so far, she would need to walk alone one day, and thinking of that makes me feel a little bit melancholic.

I’ve been blabbering, haven’t I? Oh dear… Should stop it right here, should I?

Cheers…`~

The Manga Girl Syndrome

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I don’t know why but some people actually came to me for relationship advice. As far as I know, except for si Onyed and Mr. Fix-It, most of my relationship wouldn’t last more than 4 months. And with Mr. Fix-it, it was never actually a relationship until we suddenly got engaged. So, coming to me to get a relationship advice is probably not the right thing to do.

Dating advice. Hm… I am not got at this as well. I was never be that girl who was so desperately wants to be in a relationship. I never actually went for it. Dating, I believe should be fun and should be burden free. If you go on a date with the intention for a husband hunting, unless you are dating a guy who’s been wife hunting, chances are they would disappear and never contact you again before you’ve got the opportunity to get to the second date.

That was not a dating advice, but yeah sure you could take that as an advice if you want.

So, once upon a time, which was not so long time ago, a friend came to me and basically told me her love drama. Basically she was close to a guy and in the end being left behind. And basically from what I gathered from our conversation she wanted him to miss her, to want her, and if it was possible, to chase her back. I am quite familiar with this kind of cycle. My best friend in Solo has just finished one cycle and apparently is starting another cycle over again.

I called this “The Manga Girl Syndrome”.

The Manga Girl is usually the kind of ordinary girl, living an ordinary life, but inside secretly she hopes for an extra ordinary things to just magically happens in front of her without her has to do anything extra. With this hope she believes she is special, and made for special things, and this would affect her attitude when things happened in the future.

The Manga Girl meets a boy, and fall in love with this boy. At first, she would be “the perfect girl” for the boy. The best friend who would listen to the boy’s problem, the only one he could “share the secret” and contact in the middle of the night, and basically without her ever knowing it she has been friendzoned. But she never knows.

Something happened, sparked tension between the Manga Girl and the boy and they set apart. The boy moved on with his life. The Manga Girl, feeling special, wanted this to end with her versions of perfect endings.

Manga Girl perfect ending 1
She got close to another boy and the previous boy would chase her back.

Manga Girl perfect ending 2
She confronted the boy and told her that she moved on, and made his life miserable

Manga Girl perfect ending 3
Boy suddenly came to her house with a rose on her birthday and said sorry and they would live happily ever after.

Reality
Boy moved on. Girl haven’t even moved an inch.

So everytime someone asked me what to do or what to say to their “Boy”, I always said to the “Manga Girl” to stop thinking that they are special. I was not being mean or whatever but quoting Dash on The Incredibles, “If everybody is special then no one is”, and that little brat was quite right, you know? I would usually tell them to watch “He’s not just that into you” film to help them to understand the situation.

Because, as long as they believe that they are THAT special, and they believe that they are different than other girls, they are just the same girl who fell on the same cycle with every single Manga Girl in the world. Because in comic book, boys would fell for the girl who kept pouring him with endless attention. Because in comic book, boys would suddenly realise how he missed the girl who used to be there and suddenly gone. Because girly comic books never actually reveal how glad boys are when you said you have moved on, which for them could be the green light to bring their new crush in front of you and your friends.

The drama would be: “how could you bring that girl in front of me you insensitive bastard!” and the reply would be, “you said you’re fucking moved on, you silly bitch!”

Of course I am generalising. But then again, if you ask me not to generalise your case it means you are still believing that you are special and you are not the same with other girls, and the guy you like is not the same with other guys. Then you might haven’t understand the rules at all….

Spice Up Your Relationship

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“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening” – Maya Angelou

I am not sure where I saw this quote, or who quoted this, but when I saw it I almost cried because this is one of the saddest thing an adult has ever said. It made me shiver because that quote was said by a famous person whose some people look up to. It is not so much different than what many unstable teenagers in Indonesia used to say to me: “A little drama spiced up the relationship, without it the relationship is boring.”

That is absurd.

Few years ago, Mr. Atheist and I have discussed about this matter and came to a conclusion that to be able to get a peaceful and healthy relationship, we must avoid those who believes in this. Unless you are a drama queen/king who wants to have another drama king/queen to be your partner, the first thing to ask on your first date is: what do you think about jealousy? And if she answered like what you read above, run for your life. Experience has taught me that.

Some of my partners in the past has filed lots of complains to me because I don’t do jealousy things. If I don’t trust them then there’s no need to continue a relationship. I would make it easy: it doesn’t matter if you like seeing other woman’s butt because it is normal, and it is inevitable if there’s a nice pair of butts wobbling in front of you. It doesn’t matter if you like seeing pretty faces because pretty faces are there to be enjoyed. In fact, I would like to enjoy it with you too.

It doesn’t matter if another girl likes you because it means I have a good pair of eyes by choosing you and I am proud of that. I would strut and show you off in the weekend and make sure I would rub it in everybody’s face that you are mine. If a pretty girl likes your partner, then be even cockier because he chose you, godamnit. Woman, why do you need to be jealous about that.

What is not okay is when your partner likes her too in a romantic way, and not friendly way. What is not okay is when she/he started to cheat on you and send romantic messages. What is not okay is when she.he sleeps around and treat you bad. And when it happened, then it is even needless to be jealous because all you need to do is to dump that silly bastard and move on with your life.

See? Why the fuck anybody needs to be jealous?

Some said that little drama such as small arguments (read: fights) could spice up your relationship. And I said, fuck that very much.

There is nothing more tiring than having a fight over something stupid every now and again just to satisfy the thirsty drama monster inside your partner’s head. There is nothing more exhausting than to create mood roller coaster once a month just to make the relationship feels alive — PMS can do that alright, doesn’t it? And it is sad to have to create problem and solve it yourself just to feel happy with the relationship. Is that the fake achievement you wanted to acquire?

Sad.

Maybe you would realise later that there is a real problem out there when you are in a real relationship. It is not about the text from the ex, or who made you late for the cinema this weekend, or things like that. There are so much bigger things to deal with, house mortgage, bills, food, wedding issues, visa technicality and so much more. If that’s not enough drama for you then you might need to have a life a little.

Luckily, Mr. Fix-It is drama free kind of person. I guess that is one of the reason I decided to settle down with him. Instead of giving me mood swing, he could calm me down in my PMS days, instead of being jealous he could sit with me in the corner of a coffee shop and decided if a girl is cute enough or not, and made a lot of joke about it. Instead of stopping me meeting my old friends and exes, he encourages me to expand my self and be sociable. And to spice things up we discuss about everything under the sun: about him, about me, about this blog, about our friends, about our family, our country… politics, religion, education, books…

So, no… I disagree. For me jealousy and drama does not spice up MY relationship. It poison it little by little. It is the bad cholesterol which could make a cardiac arrest to your relationship. And it is shitty.

The Ghost

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“Byq, my cousin said that there is a guy wanted to get to know me better,” said a friend of mine.

“Well,” I said, “go for it.”

“I am still too traumatic to start,” she replied.

***

Actually, this is not the first time someone told me that they were so traumatic to start over a relationship after a nasty break up. In this last case, my friend was almost got married to this man, when her father decided that the suitor was not coming from a good enough family and they broke up. Well… I will not talk about the break up because for me no matter how silly it was, it’s been done and nothing anyone could do to reverse the action.

I am going to talk about the ghost.

The Ghost is the term I always used to talk about the past. I had my own ghost so did everybody else. Some people met their ghost and let go and some could not get over with this ghost. Having the ghost with you means no matter where you go, the ghost will follow you, and you will always live in fear. Of meeting the ghost again. In a different shape.

My friend said it is the trauma.

It is not an easy matter for me to understand that different people has different coping mechanism. Some does well post break up, some needs a nasty and dramatic session so that they can let go, some needs the assurance of starting over before letting go the past. Some just clinging on the memory that made them who they are today.

Maybe, from other’s point of view, I am a bit cold hearted because I could just move on. However, for me personally, moving on is just a matter of choosing to see the future instead of keep looking back in anger (Yes, I HAVE TO refer to OASIS song).

That is why, when my friend told me that she wanted to get to know this man better, but she was afraid that it would not go the direction she wanted, I said to her, to understand that it was the life she was facing. Not everything goes the way we wanted it to go, and not everything is ideal. And about the broken heart, I think many people had that before. It is about the willingness to understand that clinging on the past would not do any good to her. Nor to everybody around her.

Definitely not for me since I would be the one who listen to the drama.

I think it is quite obvious that in this three years of blogging, I have experienced three major break ups. One from a 5-years relationship, and another with a very nasty separation. Of course, I could choose to weep and mourn for the death of the relationship, but I took my chance and met people. And that’s how I found Mr. Fix-It.

I am not going to make it all about myself, so I would just go to the point.

The point is no matter how awesome you are, when you put yourself in a box, nobody could see it. You can mourn, you can weep, you can feel sorry for your self and things that you’ve lost, and that’s how people would see you. Pity.

And pity seldom becomes respect, therefore those people would only be friends, never lovers.

Stop making people pitying you, and start showing what you’ve got. Stop wearing those black dresses like a widower, and start being colourful and gay, and be the person people around you adore and respect.

Good luck, and have a nice day 🙂

 

Your Body Is Your House

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I’ve heard many times people said that your body is your temple. I am not sure how far the truth in that sentence is, because I have never gone to any temple. Of course basically we need to respect it, clean it, decorate it and all that stuff. But does it also include letting anyone who’s curious and wish to find peace in? As far as I’m concern a temple is kind of a public area, and I’m not sure if I wanted to expose my body for public use.

So I think for me, I’d rather use a house analogous to my body. I’d say, my body is my house. It’s private, I’d only let people I trust in, and I’m responsible for things because it’s mine. I will still respect it, decorate it, and clean it, but I can still have party in it, things you might not be able to do in a temple. Does that make sense?

I believe that you are what you eat. Your outlook towards food reflects your perspective towards life itself. If you’re so uptight about your diet, what you eat and when you eat it, you’re a control freak. If you orders everything in the special today’s menu, you’re greedy. If you don’t finish it you don’t know the value of money. If you do finish it, you’re a glutton. If you snack you know how to enjoy life. So and so forth.

You’re also how you represent yourself in public. You are what you wear. You’re HOW you wear what you wear. You’re how you treat your skin, your hair, your nails. You are how you sit, your posture when you’re standing. You’re how you look into someone’s eyes straight, and how you shake their hands.

Taking care of how you look is like maintaining your house. Occasional make over. Change the curtain with the clean one. Sweep the floor and mop it. Wipe the windows and change the dead flower decoration. You can pay someone to take care of the garden or to repaint the wall, but you wouldn’t let the mould eat the beauty of your house. House can be old, but it doesn’t have to look ugly.

But that’s not all. You are what you say. What you blog, twit, or path. You are what you say on your facebook status; do you swear, moan, brag or just mildly share your rant. You’re not however what you let people think you are. But you’re how you do it in life. And I think it’s cool as a part of survival skills.

A person without knowledge is like a house without appliances. It’s still a house but it is not really efficient, so you have to upgrade knowledge like you upgrade gadgets in your house, don’t you?

My body is my house. I do occasional parties, but I clean the next day. I let people who I trust in, because it is not a public domain. I take care and decorate the way it’s acceptable for me. What could be wrong?

The Ladder Theory

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I’m so interested with this theory. I mean it. You haven’t heard it? Well, you can just browse it if you want, because I will only give a brief explanation about this so called the Ladder Theory.

The Ladder Theory is basically explaining about the friendzone mystery. “Ladder” is the preferential level of the sexual attraction. The higher the position of someone in the ladder, the more sexually attractive the person is. So if you’re friendzoned, basically there’s someone else in the higher level of the ladder… That’s the theory for guy’s ladder.

However the author of the Ladder Theory also said that there’s the second ladder. And only girls have this second ladder. This one is the fake ladder. No matter how high you climb this ladder… Heck, it’s a fucking wrong ladder. He also mentioned the possibility for someone to jump from one ladder to the other ladder is there, although it’s near to impossible. You have to combine this with Barney’s Theory about the friendzone.

Many girls tried to deny the existence of the second ladder, and even criticised this theory; saying that this came from a bitter frequently friendzoned man. Well, it could be, but hell, can’t you see the fucking truth in it? I can. And I fucking agree with it. I just see it with a less bitter perspective.

Yes girls have two ladders. Yes boys only have one. Yes friendzone is exist.

Girls who claimed to have a lot of male friends usually realised that they’re already in the bottom of the ladder already, they just wouldn’t admit it. They wouldn’t admit:
1) The so called “male friends” are actually sexually interested to them.
2) They are in the bottom of the ladder so there are others above her. Yes competition.
3) They’re friendzoning this guy and take advantage of him.

It took years for me to understand this shit, and learn that the only way to have male friends is being up front about the friendship. Take it or leave it dude, and not let them hang like Chinese roast duck. It makes me hungry by the way.

Apparently, not only girls but also boys don’t realise about the existence of the ladder. Boys who thinks, “oh I’ve been friends with this girl forever” didn’t realise that once she went through that “ugly duckling” metamorphosis, she would surprisingly crept to the top of the ladder. Gosh, have you ever watch those teenage drama or listen to any of Taylor Swift sappy songs? No? Well, now you don’t need them because there’s a theory that helps you understand this weird phenomena.

So, do I agree with the theory which basically say that girls are biatches?

Ugh. Tough.

I agree with the theory. But I don’t think that’s the right premise to start this wonderful theory. I think this is a kind of theory which was developed from what’s constructed in the society. The role of the preys and predators, the expectation of politeness, and all that crap. It’s not something genetic, unlike the skin complexion, hair shade, or the skull shape. It is something that evolved in the society.

It’s the behaviour which was learned in order to react to what’s been thrown to them over time. Of course, like every weapon in the world, it’s being abused.

The second ladder was there to maintain politeness. Women were expected not to be rude to men, so showing a vulgar disinterest is not something that’s appreciated. It was there to fulfil the role of women as the more sociable being, while male were out there to work and ear money and be the boss. This ladder is something that helped women not to suffer too much when they were in the weaker position in the society.

I don’t think modern women need this manoeuvre. This second ladder is a flaw. It is the same with the misogynistic attitude that every single guy in the world secretly has. Screw exception.

Remember my post about stereotype? Yes we all have it. The second ladder, the misogyny, just like stereotype is something that is culturally developed. It’s unavoidable, and unfortunately isn’t easy to be wiped from human civilisation. It’s not something you can control.

But you can control your attitude. Can’t you?

Have a nice day. Cheers 🙂